The Revelation

I did something kind of weird different last week.  I made a fake e-mail address.  Not one for spam to go to so my Butler e-mail doesn't get clogged (though that's actually not a bad idea).  I made a fake e-mail address for God.

Before you call the shrink, let me explain with a little background:

Last New Year's, my resolution was to keep a daily journal of my prayers.  I've never been a huge journaler, but I got the idea from the book, The Help.  One of the main characters, Aibileen, had this habit, and after reading I was inspired.  I thought I had come up with the perfect NYR, one that might actually stick, as opposed to giving up chips and Coke like I tried to do the year before.

So, anyway the prayer journal worked for a good couple months, but then as usual I fell out of the habit.  Overall I did journal more consistently, but certainly not every day.  Since we've been in Amsterdam, Emily has done a really good job of journaling in great detail the day-to-day happenings, with emotion and great effort.  While I think it would be awesome to be doing this too, I've kind of decided that my blog pretty much acts as my journal while I'm here, we all know it's certainly not lacking in detail or emotion...  But then I got this crazy idea the other day, for this faux e-mail concept.

I don't even really know how it came to me, but I just got to thinking that it might help me to pray better, and more vividly, if I felt like my messages to God were physically GOING somewhere.  In recent strides of my walk with Christ, one of my biggest struggles has been not FEELING Him.  His presence.  I would always get so frustrated when people would tell stories about their calling or hearing  God, and I always just thought, "When is this going to happen to me?  When am I going to FEEL this unconditional love that everyone says God has for me?"  Now, I'm not trying to say that making God a Gmail account led me sense His physical presence, but I think it might have triggered an epiphany in me.

At the end of last year I was having some real life questions, and a now close friend, through sharing her testimony with me, planted a seed that would grow into the revelation I refer to in this title.  She explained through little life stories that she had gone through so many things, thinking they would bring her the happiness she was searching for, and one by one they were taken away from her.  Finally she realized that this was God's plan, not to take away her happiness, but to help her realize that He was all she needed to be happy.  That He was all she needed to be anything, to live.  He is all we need.

After talking with her a few times, I was desperately jealous that I was now so close to someone who had come to have this relationship with God in such a realistic way.  Everything she had said made sense, and it wasn't that I hadn't heard it all before, that we have to rely on God fully before we will be blessed with the things and people he has planned for us, it was that I wanted this.  But there were still things I didn't want to give up, that I didn't want to lose.  Relationships, habits, feelings.  I'm not saying there aren't still, I'm sure there always will be these struggles and I will always have to battle similar temptations; but the other day, when I was e-mailing God (you have to admit this sounds absolutely ridiculous) I started thinking... and I'll share a bit of the message, or prayer, with you to help explain:

I don't know what to think about the betrayals I'm feeling from back home, but I think it's a sign.  I think that having all these people really not caring, or just being selfish, or hurting me is a sign from you saying that you are all I need.  I can feel myself being transformed by you and it's like a calming sensation sweeping over me.  Like after all this time I'm really realizing the feeling that people so often talk about, feeling you, or being called and whatnot.  I used to be so confused by this, especially when *people would say things to me about how everything had to be taken away for them to realize what really mattered, and I think I'm really starting to feel that.  All I can say is that I'm so sorry it has come this long for me to realize that I have to put you first, and that I am so incredibly thankful that you have been patient with me, and I am so grateful that you are giving me this opportunity.

There have been so many times where I have let someone get my hopes up, or I have been so heavily discouraged by hurtful words, or failed promises, and while I do usually pray to God that he will "help me though", I never let go, I never stopped going back to these sources of "happiness" or "satisfaction" that never really filled me up the way people always said God could.  And I never got it through my head that it was actually possible for me to put every fiber of my trust in Him, and that that was all that I really need, and that I will be blessed by His plan, on His terms, and that that's okay.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know this all might sound crazy to you.  Especially if you haven't heard some of these things, or if you have never heard me share about my faith.  But after having this revelation, I just want to tell everyone.  I just have this new strength within me, like when I would usually get so upset so easily, I now feel like I have the power to breathe it out and just lift it up to God and that there's no reason for me to get so worked up.  I feel like, when I usually am so fretful about who am I going to marry, when am I going to meet him, where is he, that I am more excited to work on this budding relationship with Jesus than with anyone else.  I feel so free inside.  Empowered.  I fully believe this is a combination of the new independences I have had to experience through my time in the Netherlands, the thoughts I've had floating around in my head about giving it all to God for the last 6 months or so, and the idea our pastor shared in his sermon on Sunday, about needing to feel absolutely poor in order to truly understand what it is to fully rely on God.

I get that this might be a bit of a large cookie for you to digest, so if you wanna ask me anything, please e-mail, Facebook, or even Skype me :)  Like I said, I'm really excited about this new chapter I'm turning over and would love to share more of my story with you on how I've come to this point in my journey.