New Year's Revolution

Good evening blogosphere!  And a grand welcome back to.. myself.. as I seemed to have taken a semester long hiatus from doing any writing!  In case you didn't know, I finished my undergrad just a few short weeks ago and am anxiously awaiting the arrival of my diploma in the mail!

Wooooo so let's get down to business!

So I'm currently snuggled under the electric heat blanket in a guest bedroom of my grandparents house in sunny  warm  sub-zero Minnesota.  One of my favorite places to visit growing up, I still get giddy when I get to grandma and grandpa's big, familiar house.  As I've grown up I've been truly blessed to have all of my grandparents (that's 9 to be exact..) around and *relatively close by.

*relatively as in within 10 hours driving distance....

Now though, it's a different kind of fun being with my grandparents because now I actually have to opportunity to get to know them as individual people, and not just fun visitors who usually have presents or cookies for me.  Now, I am interested in talking to them about things I know, learning from and teaching them the ways of our worlds.  This morning afternoon (literally 12:15) once I made it out of bed, the discussion was New Year's resolutions... or as I drowsily named them "revolutions."  We all got a good laugh as I welcomed a cup of coffee and the conversation was dissolved with my brain fart as we retreated to the sun room.

As I lazily hung out today I kept coming back to this "revolution" idea.. and I gotta say, I think I kind of like it!  I mean usually our resolutions are to lose 15 pounds, exercise daily, stop drinking pop, stop drinking period... but it's always kind of got a negative connotation.  Like, "oh I need to start out the new year by punishing myself for the way I ended the last."  But instead today I got to thinking, "I'm going to revolutionize 2014 by implementing something to really radically change the way I live this year."

A mixture of my verbal slip and an article I found at Relevantmagazine.com (an awesome! online magazine for today's believers) called 13 Lessons I learned in 2013 started off with the idea of choosing "One Word" with the idea that instead of coming up with a list of unrealistic goals as a resolution that won't last 5 minutes, to choose one word that you will use to shape everything you do in the coming year.  I'll let you go out and read the article so I don't have to paraphrase it here, it's a really great one!!!

Even though I had already decided on a resolution, I'm going to try to become a vegetarian..., I am going to do this "One Word" thing too.  I've got my list down to two words I'm choosing from, and maybe there's a way for me to whittle them down into one.

My first choice is enough.  This is kind of a broad option, but it's also straight to the point.  I want to recognize how much is enough.  Just to use enough for me and not be gluttonous or excessive in my thoughts and actions.  Try to live as simply as possible and be thankful that all I have is enough.

My second choice is intentional.  This is something I sometimes struggle with.  To be intentional in every single thing I do.  To make realistic goals and intentionally try to achieve them.  To leave no to-do's uncrossed, but to also put a few on my list that will take hard work to accomplish.  To have and to know the reason behind everything I do, every decision I make.

What do you think?  Is a 2014 going to be revolutionary for you?

Happy New Year!

Who really knows?

I feel a big vent coming on.  Actually it's already started.

From a few big disappointments that have hit me the past few weeks I just feel like I keep getting hit while I'm down.   Like that can't catch a break, drowning, screaming with no voice feeling.  Can I get an Amen?

Well, tonight after a truly inspiring viewing of the documentary Half the Sky (only a 40-minute version as the entire program is about 4 hours long) and consecutive discussion with a representative from the Circle of Sisterhood organization it was time for our weekly house bible study.  This week however was the once-per-month "Odyssey" meeting, which is for members of all Greek houses on campus to get in the word together in one place.  When it's Odyssey week we try to go as a group.. anyway the speaker tonight was talking about making decisions.

Now, I will preface this post by saying that I did take away some very interesting and useful information about making a mission statement for my life and prioritizing my values and what not.  However, I have about had it up to my double chin with people condescending my Christianity... and I'm not even talking about non-believers!  This guy started off his talk and naturally had to throw in drinking and sex right off the bat.

Okay, I'm sorry but drinking and sex are not the only 2 things that happen in college and quite honestly I think sitting in a fraternity basement filled with 19-21 year olds and telling them that you can't hang out with your boyfriend with the door closed is gonna do more harm for them than good.  And even though he did share some really insightful stuff about faith-based decision making I think his presentation would have been 100 times better if he had left the sex talk out of it.

I'm not just saying this because it made me feel bad, and I don't like to be reminded of past mistakes or pain or whatever, I'm saying this because I know many of those students probably felt somewhat victimized by the topic of the conversation, when it was supposedly supposed to be about using faith in your long-term life decisions with where you wanted to go in life.

There are a million different ways to live a life for Christ.  I believe that giving your heart, and committing your life to Him is the first step for any Christian, but there is no such thing as a "good" or "bad" Christian.  I believe that it is important to know your convictions, and to align them with scripture and to follow your conscience, but I also believe that this looks different for every person.  For instance, I'll use the door-closed example.

(Please note that I do not have any sort of boyfriend.. so no, Mom, I'm not trying to justify why I want to watch Bridesmaids with the door closed)

Essentially the example the speaker gave was that why is it necessary to hang out with your boy/girlfriend with the door closed?  If nothing "evil" was going on in there then why is it such a big deal to leave it open?  Because if you close it, what is the guy across the hall going to think is going on in there?  And weren't you just sharing your faith with him?  Do your actions match your words?

The whole time he was saying this I felt myself regressing to my teenage years, where yes I did have a boyfriend, and I can see where this is a relevant point to be made to my former self; but you know I don't understand where he got off telling a group of again 20 somethings this in a FRATERNITY BASEMENT.  Dude, I know first hand the kind of crap that goes on down there, like who does he think he's talking to?

Doesn't the fact that 100 Greek students came out at 10:00 on a weeknight maybe show that we are in some way, shape, or form devoted to our faith and/or beliefs?  And we are adults now, or getting there, we (or at least I) have a pretty good grasp on who I am, on my convictions and Jimminy Cricket pitched a tent in my heart a long time ago.  I think that if someone is a Christian, and has a boyfriend or whatever, and wants to hang out with them then let them!  They have their convictions, they know what the Bible says, and if someone is assuming they're doing something they're not quite frankly, who cares!?  In the end if that's not the truth that person just wasted their night judging someone's level of Christianity by the fact that they had someone in their room with the door closed.

I really, truly am not trying to step on anyone's toes by sharing this, but you know I just believe that faith is really perceived in different ways for lots of people, and God is the only one who knows who's right or wrong.  He's the only one who knows EXACTLY every single word, phrase, metaphor in the Bible means.  And do you really think that if He sees in someone's heart that they have committed themselves to Him, and know in their heart and mind what their relationship is with Christ, that He gives a flying rat that they had a beer while watching a football game or wanted to watch a movie with the door closed?

I just don't think so.  And I know that I could be wrong, that I don't know how God thinks or what He thinks.  It really just hurts my heart that people try to say that they do.

Pieces of the people we love

I'm a very emotional person.

I'm a very loving person.

I'm a very fragile person.

These three qualities, mixed into one person, can be diabolical if all activated at the same time.  

I'm emotional because I am a woman, because it's in my blood, and because it's in my heart on my sleeve.  

I'm loving because I come from a large family, because I know I am loved, and because I know what it feels like to love someone unconditionally.  

I am a fragile person because I wear my heart on my sleeve, because I have had my love broken, and because I let the little things get to me.

So what do you do?  Because every single day in this world brings something to your table that could tear it all down.  A death in the family, a failed exam, a poor decision.  How do we go on, day by day? What are we holding on for?

Each day I open my computer as I'm getting ready for class and turn on music.  From KLove to Third Eye Blind Pandora to A cappella, to get me in the mood to face the day.  But before I open my browser, before I check my e-mail I take a second to look at my background photo.  Each and every day since probably last October I have taken a moment to soak in a picture of me, Amy, Abi, Clara, Georgie, and Emily, sitting on a silly statue in Brussels, embarking on the biggest adventure of our lives.  And I miss them, I love them, and I am heartbroken that my trip has ended.. nearly a year ago and it's hard to believe.

Every day I am exposed to so much selfishness, self-pity, and general discontent that it would be so easy for me to just say, "Screw it all, I give up."  As I sit here, feeling sorry for myself, embarrassed for something I said or did or wore, mad because my hair looks silly, yet feeling bad because I know I complain about it too much, I forget about this image that I see every single day.  Of these girls, these international women, who didn't know me from Adam (or Eve) yet trusted me enough to travel internationally with them, spend 1/3 of a year living life to the fullest with me, and now looking back these women mean so much to me.  These women have always meant so much to me, because they have always been in my life, whether I've known it or not.

And that's all it takes, that's what I'm living for.  To send a card to my brothers and cousins even though they're only an hour away.  To think and pray about my friends here and abroad, because we all have impossible schedules, with or without a time difference.  To remember that whether I'm lonely or not, overwhelmed or not, disappointed or not, that what ever is going to happen has already been planned, and whether I'm going to mope around and pout about it, or go out there and try to figure out what it is, it's happening. It's happening.  It happened.

Did you get that Bridesmaids reference?

Well anyway, if it weren't for that background picture, the emojees I've got next to my mom's contact in my phone, or the half-tootless smiles I know are waiting for me back home, I don't know where I'd be.

Just some thoughts, feels good to be writing again.  Thanks for reading, friends.

I just. don't. get it.

As I sit here, "studying" with Allie, my pent up energy finally letting itself out at the most opportune time of 10 o'clock... I feel myself really recognizing this immense impasse that is my relationship status.

It seems like every other picture I see on Instagram is two love-birds, matches made in heaven, so happy, so lucky, so blessed.

#okaywegetit

And you know, as 20-something women, we are told daily by our parents and our friends and our loved ones that we are beautiful, our outfits are "So Cute!", and we are sweet, smart, funny, the list goes on and on.  But what is so frustrating to me, is that how is this so obvious to some people, most people even, yet utterly invisible to the opposite sex.

It's like on one hand you have the "there's someone out there for everyone," and "as soon as you stop looking you'll find what you were looking for."

But then you've got half of your friends in this relationship wonderland with support and happiness and flawlessness (or so they make it seem on social media).  And I'm just like, did I miss the memo?

And then you've got my mom in the middle who oh so kindly likes to remind me that some people never get married, that God's plan for some people is to be single.  Forever.  Just shoot me.

Recently a co-worker asked me what my "type" was.  I had never really thought about it.  I guess I've been self soul searching for a while now and hadn't really even considered what it was I am looking for.  So I answered an honest, simple answer.  A good, Christian boy.

Taken aback, he wasn't sure how to reply right away.  He then suggested, in not so many words, that I should check out Christian Mingle.  Yes, the online dating site.  I kindly reminded him that I am 21 years old and am not that desperate..... yet.... thank you very much.

Hello?!!  How come girls who I hang out with, who are my friends, my peers, my equals are cruising the calm seas in the love boat, while here I am, commanding my kayak in the choppy rapids?

Signed,
Irked in Indianapolis

When people act like they don't know you

Behold my latest vlog..

Centered around the theme of how it makes me feel when people you know you have encountered in one way or another, you see them on a semi-regular basis, and yet they still think it's appropriate to act like they don't know you.  They don't know your name, they don't recognize you (yeah right..), and better yet they don't even say hi.

Momma always told me not to talk to strangers.

I'd love to hear your thoughts, especially if you have specific ties to this topic, or if you think I'm out of line.. but I can't promise I'll know you from now on if that's the case...

iWorkout

None of us are strangers to this recent spandex uniform workout wardrobe obsession that seems to have taken the world by storm.  Ladies decked out to the nines in clothes bearing flashy little symbols showing where they were purchased (and likely how much they cost).  This is how it makes me feel to be swimming in a sea of spandex.

My Bed

So I pulled out my journal from Creative Writing last night and wrote for the first time since school's been out.. outside of blogging.. to try and start organizing my thoughts and hopefully clearing some of them out.  Tonight I did the same and as I started to write I gave myself a challenge to keep the same topic for an entire page.  I managed to accomplish this task, however when I got to the end of the page, I realized my entire exposition was an incredible analogy that was pulled out of my brain and put in front of my face at the exact moment that I needed a sign.

I'm going to share what I wrote, and then reflect on the power within what I thought might have only turned into a half ass-ed haiku.

My bed is like a palace.  It's my solstice and solitude.  It is so comfortable with soft sheets, 10 pillows, my baby friends, & the warm light of my step-mother's hand-me-down lamp, which brings out just the perfect shades in my TJ Maxx, almost too bright quilt.

It's extravagant, yet delicate and perfect.  I love to have all the space in my bed to myself.  I can line my pillows up on either side & be protected from the dark unknown, safe in the Land of Nod.

Even when I'm just sitting for a minute, I sit and am nearly immediately rejuvenated by the power of its comfort.  It lures me into its realm each night, and releases me each morning with the promise of just a short goodbye until it's time again for bed.  On those nights when I don't return, I yearn for the warm, safe embrace of my space, & when I do return, I am welcomed with open arms & I am always welcome like I had never even left.

So, what do you think?

Once I got to the part about the nights I miss my bed, and yearn for it's safety and comfort I realized this page is about God.  Okay, minus the 10 pillows and rainbow Cynthia Rowley quilt...

But for real, the past few days I have just been stewing in self pity and ashamedness for my distance from God.  I haven't been praying like I should be, or being the woman He made me to be.  Then all of a sudden, just like He will do, the Holy Spirit pulled these intimate thoughts about my full size mattress out of my head and into my journal where I read them to find that these are all qualities of my God, and that no matter how far I feel I have fallen, or no matter how many nights I have yearned for my Temperpedic pillow and 10-year-old Rabbie, I get brought right back to the reality that I had never really left.

Almost like the Parable of the Prodigal Son, which I heard again recently.  Like the Son, I have been sitting on the outskirts of my faith, thinking that if nothing else, maybe God will let me ride on the coattails of his miracles, not being a part of them, but still allowed to follow Him.  But also like the Son, I realize (though I have been told all along) that God wants to take us back and more when we come home to Him.  He doesn't want us slopping with the slaves, but instead, at His right-hand, safe, warm, and welcome.

I realize this sounds cliche, but I was so simply awestruck by the realization of this analogy that I had to share it.  They say the Holy Spirit is within us, and I have been a witness to this tonight, such a freeing feeling on this warm Tuesday night.

Goodnight, friends.

Sometimes we run

Well, we made it back safe and sound from Costa Rica with some incredible memories and unbelievable stories to last a lifetime.  Upon return I decided to spend a semi-relaxing week at home with my family before making the final move back to Butler for what will hopefully be my last semester of undergrad!  Our senior house is coming together piece by piece, and unfortunately the couch cushion pieces don't fit yet...  My list of necessities grows by the minute as I am learning how much it takes to fill a six bedroom house.

After a month long separation, I finally got to spend time with Emily on Saturday night, and we went to church at Common Ground on Sunday which for me was the first time in too long.  We all know how easy it is when you skip church one Sunday to make a little habit out of it, and especially after a 3-week hiatus in Central America, getting out of bed Sunday morning was difficult.

The worship Sunday morning was incredible.  That's one of my favorite things about Common Ground is the 15-20 high-energy worship session that starts off the service.  The current pastor isn't my favorite from Common Ground, but usually I still am able to take something meaningful away from his sermons.

Yesterday, Jeff spoke about a passage in Acts, and the idea of living to serve not to be served.  He stressed the importance of carrying out our actions without expecting something in return, and about how important it is to make your spiritual needs known because there is probably someone out there whose needs complement your own.

I've experienced the power of prayer before, specifically while I was living in The Netherlands, but as you know this is such an intriguing concept for me.  However, once you personally feel the power of prayer you can no longer deny the grace and power of God.  These past few weeks I just feel myself running in the wrong direction, but constantly being reminded that no matter how hard I resist, Jesus still has my heart on a leash.  Last night as I tossed and turned in my bed, preoccupied about jobs and money among other things I knew what I needed to do was pray, but I found myself unable to put words and thoughts together.  It was almost as if I felt that I didn't deserve to be praying for myself, and I just have been so distant and inconsistent in my conversations with God lately that I just couldn't pray, and that scares me.

So, I'm asking you to help me.  If you're reading this, I'm desperate for prayer and I also want to pray for you.  I need to see if I can help someone else, because I'm finding it impossible to help myself.  Please don't hesitate to reach out to me if you've something impending on your heart, because I love to listen and I want to pray for you!

Peace & blessings :)

Me encanta Costa Rica!

Hola amigos y amigas!

After 2 full days in Costa Rica I am so tired I could die, and its not even 8 PM! I would like to share with you a brief schedule of what our days are like here (or at least what they have been for the past 2 days) and after I will share some thoughts and opinions of my time so far!

A typical day so far:

6:30 AM: wake up, get dressed eat breakfast. Breakfast consists of fresh fruit like pineapple, papaya, melon, and bananas, coffee with milk and "azucar negro" which is essentially brown sugar, and a tiny quesadilla with cheese. It sounds weird but it all is so good! Especially the coffee!!!

7:30: catch the bus about 2 blocks from our house and take about a 25 minute bus ride to ILISA (the school). The traffic here is out of control. If you thought the bikes/trams/cars/buses in Amsterdam were crazy, compared to San Jose they are nothing. The roads are more steep than the hills I go skiing down in Michigan. And the drivers are the definition of loco. I will try to take a video of what the streets are like because it is just downright dangerous.

8:30: arrive at ILISA. After the bus ride we have about another 20-25 minute walk from the bus stop to the school. The past two days we have had activities at 8:30. Today was a walking tour of San Jose, the capital of Costa Rica. Even though the scenery is incredible and unlike anything I've ever seen, the city was very dirty, with trash literally everywhere. It's also extremely loud with all the traffic and multitudes of people. I've definitely decided that a crowded city is NOT for me.

12:00: eat lunch at school and get ready for our tutoring session.

1:00: a one-on-one tutoring session. Yesterday we had a small interview and then they paired us with a teacher who can help us most with our problem areas or levels of Spanish. My tutors name is Ilse and she is great! We work in a workbook, but we also have lots of conversations and I have found it very easy to tell her stories and important aspects of my life at home in the states.

4:00: the tutoring session ends and we either go home or have an after school activity. Today we had a dance lesson of Merengue and Salsa! It was fun, but in a very small room with about 30 people and no ventilation! But I learned how to move to the Costa Rican music, and hopefully I will get to try it out this weekend!

After the dance lesson myself along with a few other girls decided to try to find a place to have some margaritas before returning home for dinner. We asked for directions but inevitably got lost and wound up in a "bar" with a bar tender who didn't know what a margarita was..... So we got the heck out of dodge and decided to just go home.

By this time it was about 6 and near dark out. The instructors at ILISA told us not to take the bus after 7, and today was the first day we had to take the bus home alone....

My roommate Katie and I were kind of freaking out, but we managed to find our bus stop, and recognize where we needed to get off the bus by our house. I can not even begin to explain how big of a miracle this was. God was holding our hands because there is absolutely no stinkin' way we did this on our own!

For dinner last night we had the most delicious carne asada steak I have ever had, with fresh, homemade pico de gallo, scalloped potatoes, and freshly made mango juice. I could have eaten for 4 hours. It was unbelievably fantastic. Tonight we had a cream of squash soup, a fresh salad with lettuce, tomato, onion, cilantro, corn, and pineapple, and a sort of chicken pot pie kind of dish. Can you believe I ate every last bite?! I didn't think I liked squash but this soup was incredible, and that salad? I never eat salad and I had 2 platefuls. Sandra is a wizard in the kitchen, I want to bring her back with me to cook for me next year!

After dinner Katie and I take quick showers and try to be in bed by 9! It sounds early but after a 14+ hour day it's not early enough because tomorrow we get to get up and do it all again!

While at times it is difficult to speak with Sandra especially (she is very strictly only Spanish with Katie and I) I have been trying to talk with them more, and I think I am getting through to them. However, Katie has less experience with Spanish and so our host parents mostly only talk to me! No pressure though...

I can't believe only two days have gone by and I'm in love with this country! I am so excited to see the beach this weekend and other places outside of San Jose. I have even started thinking in Spanish! In fact it has been kind of hard switching gears to English in order to write this post, so I apologize if my grammar is a bit off ;)

I hope you have enjoyed, hasta mañana!

Bienvenidos a Costa Rica!

In case you haven't heard, I arrived in San Jose, Costa Rica this morning at about 11 AM local time! I thought it would be a good and efficient way to keep track of my journey here if I try to blog/journal everyday, especially today being my first! I think I'm going to do a bit of a bullet-type synopsis and add more details when necessary, and don't spell check my work because I'm typing on an iPad... Hello carpal tunnel!

Well this morning I woke up at 3 am after staying up until 1:30 watching Kristen Wiig's SNL comeback last night, which solicited what I'm sure was the most unattractive sight ever of me face down on an airplane tray table just trying to stay alive.

After a brief layover in Houston, we made our way to Central America and then took a shuttle to ILISA- our school for the next 3 weeks. Standing outside the school were our families, holding cute little signs with our names on them! I along with another Butler student, Katie are living in a beautiful house (pictures will come) with Gustavo and Sandra and their daughter, Luisa, who lives in a connected apartment in the back yard.

Our host family has been instructed to speak solely in Spanish with us, but with a pretty significant language barrier, Gustavo told us he's ok with some Spanglish. Thank The Lord!

We enjoyed a small meal after having a tour of the house, but it was very quiet and kind of awkward. I feel like I have so many things I want to ask and say but I just don't have all the words I need to do it. While that has been a bit frustrating this evening, I will say that I have done significantly better communicating with Gustavo and Sandra than I expected and I'm proud of myself for that!

I took a little siesta after lunch, then drowned my first GIANT spider in a quick shower before watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days in Spanish with Sandra and Katie.

For a light dinner Luisa and her husband (whose name escapes me at the moment) came over and we had delicious tomato, pesto, and mozzarella sandwiches! Yum!

Even though it is only 9:00 here, I am ready for bed to getup for a 7:30 wake up call! I know this post is brief and not necessarily up to my usual caliber, but I promise there will be many more interesting and fabulous posts to come!

Hasta mañana!

So you're a Spanish major...

By now as an avid follower of my blog, you must know I am a Spanish major.  When I first came to Butler I was Exploratory (fancy word for undecided), then I declared a double major in Spanish and Communication Sciences and Disorders (fancy for Speech and Language Pathology), and then shortly before departing for Amsterdam I dropped to a minor in CSD and am solely a Spanish major.

Whew.

Now, mind you I did not switch to being solely a Spanish major because I have some wildly ambitious desire to become a citizen of South America, or a sudden passion to teach the Spanish language to our Nation's youth.  I actually dropped my CSD major because it is an extremely competitive field, and I didn't have the passion and intense interest necessary to devote my undergraduate and subsequent graduate careers in this field.  At least not right now.

Well, this little switcheroo flew over like a lead balloon in the Peters household as my family has a hard time understanding why I would switch from a focus in a field where I am guaranteed a specific job in a demanded market, to one of the most general Liberal Arts degrees with millions of possible career routes, which might not even have to do with Spanish at all.  

Cue the question that makes my hair fall out, my fists clench, and my eyes roll back into my head...

So, what are you going to do with a Spanish major?

Well, quite frankly I'm going to do whatever the hell I want with a Spanish major.  

Yes, I know that's a broad area of possibility.

Yes, I understand it might be hard to find a job that will utilize this skill in a field I am interested in.

And for the love of all that is holy, no, I am not fluent in Spanish.

If I had a beer for every time someone asked me something along these lines I could stock the Hofbrauhaus for a year, including Oktoberfest.  So, in honor of such a heated and apparently interesting topic, I have devoted a vlog to this constant source of frustration and clarification in my life today.

Towards the middle of the video there is a movie reference, so please don't become confused with the transition/slightly idiotic remark.  It's all part of the effect :)

My Vlog debut

Alright folks, here it is...

My debut vlog..

How it makes me feel when my bike gets stolen.

If you haven't heard this story, which would be a surprise.. because I tell it every 5 seconds... you can now watch it at your own leisure!

So, lemme know what you think, if you like it, ideas, whatever!  I'm not super familiar with iMovie so I just kinda messed around, and yes that is Gilmore Girls in the background.

A New Endeavor

If you're reading this, thanks for being patient!  It's been at least 3 months since I've blogged and I have been asked approximately 1,000,000 times when I'm going to blog again!  So here I am!  I'm back and so excited to fill this summer full of witty, fun, and hopefully inspiring posts :)

This semester has been all kinds of interesting.  From classes, to being 21, to work, to just adjusting to the American lifestyle I have barely had time to breathe.

One awesome thing that did happen this semester, was that I had the opportunity to take a creative writing class!  I took it just as a general elective with a mixture of English majors among others.  The professor was awesome, to some he might have come off as rude or arrogant, but I was usually intrigued by his knowledge and his passion for writing.

One of the projects we had to do for his class was to make a video.  That was the only requirement.  Just a video.

He mentioned that it should be a form of personal essay, so basically something you want to make a video of, and could only be 1 minute long.  Sounds easy?

I probably came up with 100 ideas, but nothing really stuck.  I wanted this video to stand out, to be powerful, to resonate with people.  Then it came to me.

I began to pool my little ideas, and collectively they came together to form a movement.  Similar to my attitude here on my blog, I will use my wit and my charming sarcasm in a series of short little videos under the theme:

How it makes me feel when....

I'm busting with cute little angsty ideas, and I'm going to debut them here on my blog, and also on YouTube.  Who knows? This could be my ticket to that far fetched dream of being on SNL.. only time will tell.

Keep your eye out for more posts and my YouTube debut coming soon to an interweb near you, and if you have any suggestions for video topics, let me know!

Back on my grind

Well I've been back in the states now for about 5 weeks, and I hate to say that this is my first blog post following my semester in Amsterdam.  I have been dying to put my words out there since the moment we landed on United States soil, but unfortunately things like Christmas, my 21st birthday, sorority recruitment, and class have all but put me into a stress/homesick/culture shock related coma.  Yet here I am at midnight, when I should be in the cold dorm REM-ing for my 9:30 class tomorrow, trying to put into appropriate words how it feels to be home, and doing what I'm doing.

To say I underestimated coming home to culture shock would be an underestimation of the grandest kind.  Like you probably know, by the end of my trip I was very excited and ready to be coming home.  I was ready for my bed, my cat, my food, my home.

Of all the things I learned while I was gone, it was how much I value my home and my family.  It kills me to think how much I took them for granted before now.

But I thought that since I wanted to come home so badly, that I was ready.  And in a sense I was.  The holidays were wonderful, and I mostly sat around the house, resting and just soaking in family time.  The real kicker came when I had to move back to Butler.

I was so anxious and excited to see everyone, move back into DG, and get into a somewhat normal routine after my semester of intermittent classes and frequent travel.  However, the stress of homework mixed with the estrogen cascading out of a house of 90 women mixed with this new super paranoid homesickness I have acquired leaves me frazzled on most every occasion.  To spare you the gory details, I'm just still pretty overwhelmed at having to consider so many thoughts and opinions other than my own.

I don't think people would often consider me a selfish person, but after living (basically) on my own for such an extended period of time, in a place completely foreign and uncomfortable, it's nearly annoying to have to deal with petty conversations and minuscule details in a life that I now find so huge and unexplored and inviting.

I don't have time to do homework for classes I'm required to take, not when I could be researching future careers or concocting adventures or sleeping!

I don't want to be in an environment where people feel ostracized or neglected or persecuted for their opinions and feelings.

And I most certainly don't feel it necessary to deal with people who don't feel it necessary to deal with me.

And I'm not even trying to be harsh, but it's like this:

There are about 5,678,992 thoughts, fears, worries, and dreams swarming around my brain that I have never known about, that I have never had to harness, that I have never even realized were there, and I just feel like there is so much more to life than some of the silly, meaningless CRAP we are exposed to every day.  Why deal with it?

Why spread information about something you don't actually have accurate information about?

Why not do things you really want or need to do instead of doing something you're half-hearted about and are going to regret or be ashamed of later?

Why not go off by yourself if you alone are more enriching company than those around you?

Do things that matter to you.  Say things that mean something to you.  Be who you want to be.  Because in the long run that is all that matters.  If you feel like you need to impress someone in your life, why are they in your life?  The people who really care about YOU don't care about "you".

What I mean is, after living out of a suitcase for 4 months, if my friends actually care that my outfits seldom match and I don't take the time for makeup everyday, they're not my friends!  Because I know I have wonderful friends all over the world now who appreciate me for exactly who I am because when you are forced to live out of the confines of your comfort zone you are going to put your real, true self out there because you don't have time or energy to be someone you're not.  And when you only have 4 months to spend with someone, if they are really a caring soul, they care about who you are on the inside.  Happy or sad, elated or mad, dirty or clean, whatever.

However you are, that's how you should be.

I don't want this to come across cross (no pun intended) because I feel like most of my posting from abroad could be construed as negative.  I am very grateful to be home, and in the new, fresh, invigorating mindset that I am in.  But I am also very aware that if I'm not careful I could fall back into the ways of this world and that is a reality I refuse to accept.  Life is too short for petty.  Life is too short for meaningless.  Everything you do should be for the greater good of something, no matter what you believe in.  You owe it to God.  You owe it to yourself.