Pieces of the people we love

I'm a very emotional person.

I'm a very loving person.

I'm a very fragile person.

These three qualities, mixed into one person, can be diabolical if all activated at the same time.  

I'm emotional because I am a woman, because it's in my blood, and because it's in my heart on my sleeve.  

I'm loving because I come from a large family, because I know I am loved, and because I know what it feels like to love someone unconditionally.  

I am a fragile person because I wear my heart on my sleeve, because I have had my love broken, and because I let the little things get to me.

So what do you do?  Because every single day in this world brings something to your table that could tear it all down.  A death in the family, a failed exam, a poor decision.  How do we go on, day by day? What are we holding on for?

Each day I open my computer as I'm getting ready for class and turn on music.  From KLove to Third Eye Blind Pandora to A cappella, to get me in the mood to face the day.  But before I open my browser, before I check my e-mail I take a second to look at my background photo.  Each and every day since probably last October I have taken a moment to soak in a picture of me, Amy, Abi, Clara, Georgie, and Emily, sitting on a silly statue in Brussels, embarking on the biggest adventure of our lives.  And I miss them, I love them, and I am heartbroken that my trip has ended.. nearly a year ago and it's hard to believe.

Every day I am exposed to so much selfishness, self-pity, and general discontent that it would be so easy for me to just say, "Screw it all, I give up."  As I sit here, feeling sorry for myself, embarrassed for something I said or did or wore, mad because my hair looks silly, yet feeling bad because I know I complain about it too much, I forget about this image that I see every single day.  Of these girls, these international women, who didn't know me from Adam (or Eve) yet trusted me enough to travel internationally with them, spend 1/3 of a year living life to the fullest with me, and now looking back these women mean so much to me.  These women have always meant so much to me, because they have always been in my life, whether I've known it or not.

And that's all it takes, that's what I'm living for.  To send a card to my brothers and cousins even though they're only an hour away.  To think and pray about my friends here and abroad, because we all have impossible schedules, with or without a time difference.  To remember that whether I'm lonely or not, overwhelmed or not, disappointed or not, that what ever is going to happen has already been planned, and whether I'm going to mope around and pout about it, or go out there and try to figure out what it is, it's happening. It's happening.  It happened.

Did you get that Bridesmaids reference?

Well anyway, if it weren't for that background picture, the emojees I've got next to my mom's contact in my phone, or the half-tootless smiles I know are waiting for me back home, I don't know where I'd be.

Just some thoughts, feels good to be writing again.  Thanks for reading, friends.