A friend brought to my attention this week that in one of my blog posts at the beginning of my time in Spain I mentioned that I would be blogging all the time... that was my last post... that post was written in October. Life happens I guess!
It's not that I haven't been wanting to write, actually quite the opposite, I've been longing to. It's more that I've had so much to write about, and just not known how to properly express or give justice to the thoughts I've been having, the feelings I've been feeling.
Not until this evening.
So, bear with me if it's not up to the usual post you always "love to read" but I've been dying to get something out there and tonight I just can't hold it in any longer, I've got to break this writer's block.
Before I left for Spain, for about a year and a half actually, I was heavily involved in The Branches Community Church, a church plant in the Avon/Hendricks County area of Indianapolis. The Branches started from the ground up with a mixture of people from my hometown church, people from the Indy area, and really whoever God lead to us.
So, coming from such a tight and energized community mixed with the trauma that happened shortly before I left for Spain, getting connected to a church community in Madrid was the top priority on my list. I did some research beforehand and actually met someone in orientation who was willing to check some places out with me. We did, and we found an international small group through Oasis Madrid, an international church in the heart of the city. Even though I started going to small group and making relationships with some awesome people... life happened again.
I'm going to be completely honest here and I'm a bit scared to do so, but I didn't actually go to a church service at Oasis until about February. And then I didn't go again until last weekend. I took a hard fall from where I was at the end of the summer and I was broken and bruised.
Even through this time, I continued to go to small group and meet up with some of the girls outside of group. I was connected, but only as much as I wanted to (or thought I wanted to) be. I kept a bit of a wedge between myself and anyone I (realize now) could have developed a meaningful relationship with.
I've always had a bit of a problem being afraid of missing out on something that could be better. That, even if it's not exactly something I want to be doing, I need to do it or I'm going to regret it or miss out on something everyone will be talking about later. Then, two weeks ago I went with Oasis to a little town in the mountains of Madrid for a weekend retreat where we worshipped, laughed, connected, even cried, and I had an earthquake of an epiphany-- THIS was what I'd actually been missing out on.
It was a bittersweet realization, I had essentially wasted loads of time worrying and stressing over missing out on everything when I actually was missing out all along. I had truly been yearning to be filled up with the spirit and fellowship that I found in those 3 days. Maybe I was hardened because I didn't think anything could take the place of my church community back home, which then turned into complacence and a sort of acceptance of mediocrity. And once I had forgone church for so many weeks, I felt guilty and ashamed and embarrassed and was even more afraid to try to go halfway through my time here.
I hope that every person has the opportunity to feel the kind of acceptance I felt when I opened up and let myself be vulnerable that weekend.
Since then, the past two weeks have taken a complete 180 in terms of my attitude and perspective of my time here. I made strong relationships with incredible people and I get to continue these relationships for (at least) another whole year! I have a newfound courage to do things and make decisions that are what I really want to do and I haven't missed out on a single thing. I can honestly tell a difference when teachers ask how my weekend was and the past weeks I've been able to really look back and say I did a bunch of meaningful and life-giving things.
Then, tonight I went with four girls from small group to a Tennessee couple's piso for dinner and fellowship and I actually had to hold myself from tears just from feeling so overwhelmingly loved and cared for. These people were strangers to me at 6:30 and by 11 when we left I felt like we'd been friends for a long time. They wanted to hear our stories and they just poured love of the spirit into us, they encouraged me so much. They were just those kind of people that you're drawn to. They were so kind and open and welcoming, you just don't get that very often. I am so thankful to have this opportunity to continue learning from them.
But most importantly, I am so thankful that God put it on the hearts of girls at small group to tell me that they missed seeing me for a couple of weeks, because that pushed me to make sure I went every week, which pushed me to find out about and sign up for the retreat, which pushed me closer to God and to the person I really am and want to be.
Don't be confused by this and wonder why I've been telling you I'm so happy and feeling like I belong here if I've truly been feeling a bit disconnected. None of that has been untrue, if anything this is just enhancing my happiness and assurance that this is where I'm supposed to be right now.
Rest easy my friends, the best is yet to come.
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