Who really knows?

I feel a big vent coming on.  Actually it's already started.

From a few big disappointments that have hit me the past few weeks I just feel like I keep getting hit while I'm down.   Like that can't catch a break, drowning, screaming with no voice feeling.  Can I get an Amen?

Well, tonight after a truly inspiring viewing of the documentary Half the Sky (only a 40-minute version as the entire program is about 4 hours long) and consecutive discussion with a representative from the Circle of Sisterhood organization it was time for our weekly house bible study.  This week however was the once-per-month "Odyssey" meeting, which is for members of all Greek houses on campus to get in the word together in one place.  When it's Odyssey week we try to go as a group.. anyway the speaker tonight was talking about making decisions.

Now, I will preface this post by saying that I did take away some very interesting and useful information about making a mission statement for my life and prioritizing my values and what not.  However, I have about had it up to my double chin with people condescending my Christianity... and I'm not even talking about non-believers!  This guy started off his talk and naturally had to throw in drinking and sex right off the bat.

Okay, I'm sorry but drinking and sex are not the only 2 things that happen in college and quite honestly I think sitting in a fraternity basement filled with 19-21 year olds and telling them that you can't hang out with your boyfriend with the door closed is gonna do more harm for them than good.  And even though he did share some really insightful stuff about faith-based decision making I think his presentation would have been 100 times better if he had left the sex talk out of it.

I'm not just saying this because it made me feel bad, and I don't like to be reminded of past mistakes or pain or whatever, I'm saying this because I know many of those students probably felt somewhat victimized by the topic of the conversation, when it was supposedly supposed to be about using faith in your long-term life decisions with where you wanted to go in life.

There are a million different ways to live a life for Christ.  I believe that giving your heart, and committing your life to Him is the first step for any Christian, but there is no such thing as a "good" or "bad" Christian.  I believe that it is important to know your convictions, and to align them with scripture and to follow your conscience, but I also believe that this looks different for every person.  For instance, I'll use the door-closed example.

(Please note that I do not have any sort of boyfriend.. so no, Mom, I'm not trying to justify why I want to watch Bridesmaids with the door closed)

Essentially the example the speaker gave was that why is it necessary to hang out with your boy/girlfriend with the door closed?  If nothing "evil" was going on in there then why is it such a big deal to leave it open?  Because if you close it, what is the guy across the hall going to think is going on in there?  And weren't you just sharing your faith with him?  Do your actions match your words?

The whole time he was saying this I felt myself regressing to my teenage years, where yes I did have a boyfriend, and I can see where this is a relevant point to be made to my former self; but you know I don't understand where he got off telling a group of again 20 somethings this in a FRATERNITY BASEMENT.  Dude, I know first hand the kind of crap that goes on down there, like who does he think he's talking to?

Doesn't the fact that 100 Greek students came out at 10:00 on a weeknight maybe show that we are in some way, shape, or form devoted to our faith and/or beliefs?  And we are adults now, or getting there, we (or at least I) have a pretty good grasp on who I am, on my convictions and Jimminy Cricket pitched a tent in my heart a long time ago.  I think that if someone is a Christian, and has a boyfriend or whatever, and wants to hang out with them then let them!  They have their convictions, they know what the Bible says, and if someone is assuming they're doing something they're not quite frankly, who cares!?  In the end if that's not the truth that person just wasted their night judging someone's level of Christianity by the fact that they had someone in their room with the door closed.

I really, truly am not trying to step on anyone's toes by sharing this, but you know I just believe that faith is really perceived in different ways for lots of people, and God is the only one who knows who's right or wrong.  He's the only one who knows EXACTLY every single word, phrase, metaphor in the Bible means.  And do you really think that if He sees in someone's heart that they have committed themselves to Him, and know in their heart and mind what their relationship is with Christ, that He gives a flying rat that they had a beer while watching a football game or wanted to watch a movie with the door closed?

I just don't think so.  And I know that I could be wrong, that I don't know how God thinks or what He thinks.  It really just hurts my heart that people try to say that they do.

Pieces of the people we love

I'm a very emotional person.

I'm a very loving person.

I'm a very fragile person.

These three qualities, mixed into one person, can be diabolical if all activated at the same time.  

I'm emotional because I am a woman, because it's in my blood, and because it's in my heart on my sleeve.  

I'm loving because I come from a large family, because I know I am loved, and because I know what it feels like to love someone unconditionally.  

I am a fragile person because I wear my heart on my sleeve, because I have had my love broken, and because I let the little things get to me.

So what do you do?  Because every single day in this world brings something to your table that could tear it all down.  A death in the family, a failed exam, a poor decision.  How do we go on, day by day? What are we holding on for?

Each day I open my computer as I'm getting ready for class and turn on music.  From KLove to Third Eye Blind Pandora to A cappella, to get me in the mood to face the day.  But before I open my browser, before I check my e-mail I take a second to look at my background photo.  Each and every day since probably last October I have taken a moment to soak in a picture of me, Amy, Abi, Clara, Georgie, and Emily, sitting on a silly statue in Brussels, embarking on the biggest adventure of our lives.  And I miss them, I love them, and I am heartbroken that my trip has ended.. nearly a year ago and it's hard to believe.

Every day I am exposed to so much selfishness, self-pity, and general discontent that it would be so easy for me to just say, "Screw it all, I give up."  As I sit here, feeling sorry for myself, embarrassed for something I said or did or wore, mad because my hair looks silly, yet feeling bad because I know I complain about it too much, I forget about this image that I see every single day.  Of these girls, these international women, who didn't know me from Adam (or Eve) yet trusted me enough to travel internationally with them, spend 1/3 of a year living life to the fullest with me, and now looking back these women mean so much to me.  These women have always meant so much to me, because they have always been in my life, whether I've known it or not.

And that's all it takes, that's what I'm living for.  To send a card to my brothers and cousins even though they're only an hour away.  To think and pray about my friends here and abroad, because we all have impossible schedules, with or without a time difference.  To remember that whether I'm lonely or not, overwhelmed or not, disappointed or not, that what ever is going to happen has already been planned, and whether I'm going to mope around and pout about it, or go out there and try to figure out what it is, it's happening. It's happening.  It happened.

Did you get that Bridesmaids reference?

Well anyway, if it weren't for that background picture, the emojees I've got next to my mom's contact in my phone, or the half-tootless smiles I know are waiting for me back home, I don't know where I'd be.

Just some thoughts, feels good to be writing again.  Thanks for reading, friends.

I just. don't. get it.

As I sit here, "studying" with Allie, my pent up energy finally letting itself out at the most opportune time of 10 o'clock... I feel myself really recognizing this immense impasse that is my relationship status.

It seems like every other picture I see on Instagram is two love-birds, matches made in heaven, so happy, so lucky, so blessed.

#okaywegetit

And you know, as 20-something women, we are told daily by our parents and our friends and our loved ones that we are beautiful, our outfits are "So Cute!", and we are sweet, smart, funny, the list goes on and on.  But what is so frustrating to me, is that how is this so obvious to some people, most people even, yet utterly invisible to the opposite sex.

It's like on one hand you have the "there's someone out there for everyone," and "as soon as you stop looking you'll find what you were looking for."

But then you've got half of your friends in this relationship wonderland with support and happiness and flawlessness (or so they make it seem on social media).  And I'm just like, did I miss the memo?

And then you've got my mom in the middle who oh so kindly likes to remind me that some people never get married, that God's plan for some people is to be single.  Forever.  Just shoot me.

Recently a co-worker asked me what my "type" was.  I had never really thought about it.  I guess I've been self soul searching for a while now and hadn't really even considered what it was I am looking for.  So I answered an honest, simple answer.  A good, Christian boy.

Taken aback, he wasn't sure how to reply right away.  He then suggested, in not so many words, that I should check out Christian Mingle.  Yes, the online dating site.  I kindly reminded him that I am 21 years old and am not that desperate..... yet.... thank you very much.

Hello?!!  How come girls who I hang out with, who are my friends, my peers, my equals are cruising the calm seas in the love boat, while here I am, commanding my kayak in the choppy rapids?

Signed,
Irked in Indianapolis

When people act like they don't know you

Behold my latest vlog..

Centered around the theme of how it makes me feel when people you know you have encountered in one way or another, you see them on a semi-regular basis, and yet they still think it's appropriate to act like they don't know you.  They don't know your name, they don't recognize you (yeah right..), and better yet they don't even say hi.

Momma always told me not to talk to strangers.

I'd love to hear your thoughts, especially if you have specific ties to this topic, or if you think I'm out of line.. but I can't promise I'll know you from now on if that's the case...

iWorkout

None of us are strangers to this recent spandex uniform workout wardrobe obsession that seems to have taken the world by storm.  Ladies decked out to the nines in clothes bearing flashy little symbols showing where they were purchased (and likely how much they cost).  This is how it makes me feel to be swimming in a sea of spandex.

My Bed

So I pulled out my journal from Creative Writing last night and wrote for the first time since school's been out.. outside of blogging.. to try and start organizing my thoughts and hopefully clearing some of them out.  Tonight I did the same and as I started to write I gave myself a challenge to keep the same topic for an entire page.  I managed to accomplish this task, however when I got to the end of the page, I realized my entire exposition was an incredible analogy that was pulled out of my brain and put in front of my face at the exact moment that I needed a sign.

I'm going to share what I wrote, and then reflect on the power within what I thought might have only turned into a half ass-ed haiku.

My bed is like a palace.  It's my solstice and solitude.  It is so comfortable with soft sheets, 10 pillows, my baby friends, & the warm light of my step-mother's hand-me-down lamp, which brings out just the perfect shades in my TJ Maxx, almost too bright quilt.

It's extravagant, yet delicate and perfect.  I love to have all the space in my bed to myself.  I can line my pillows up on either side & be protected from the dark unknown, safe in the Land of Nod.

Even when I'm just sitting for a minute, I sit and am nearly immediately rejuvenated by the power of its comfort.  It lures me into its realm each night, and releases me each morning with the promise of just a short goodbye until it's time again for bed.  On those nights when I don't return, I yearn for the warm, safe embrace of my space, & when I do return, I am welcomed with open arms & I am always welcome like I had never even left.

So, what do you think?

Once I got to the part about the nights I miss my bed, and yearn for it's safety and comfort I realized this page is about God.  Okay, minus the 10 pillows and rainbow Cynthia Rowley quilt...

But for real, the past few days I have just been stewing in self pity and ashamedness for my distance from God.  I haven't been praying like I should be, or being the woman He made me to be.  Then all of a sudden, just like He will do, the Holy Spirit pulled these intimate thoughts about my full size mattress out of my head and into my journal where I read them to find that these are all qualities of my God, and that no matter how far I feel I have fallen, or no matter how many nights I have yearned for my Temperpedic pillow and 10-year-old Rabbie, I get brought right back to the reality that I had never really left.

Almost like the Parable of the Prodigal Son, which I heard again recently.  Like the Son, I have been sitting on the outskirts of my faith, thinking that if nothing else, maybe God will let me ride on the coattails of his miracles, not being a part of them, but still allowed to follow Him.  But also like the Son, I realize (though I have been told all along) that God wants to take us back and more when we come home to Him.  He doesn't want us slopping with the slaves, but instead, at His right-hand, safe, warm, and welcome.

I realize this sounds cliche, but I was so simply awestruck by the realization of this analogy that I had to share it.  They say the Holy Spirit is within us, and I have been a witness to this tonight, such a freeing feeling on this warm Tuesday night.

Goodnight, friends.

Sometimes we run

Well, we made it back safe and sound from Costa Rica with some incredible memories and unbelievable stories to last a lifetime.  Upon return I decided to spend a semi-relaxing week at home with my family before making the final move back to Butler for what will hopefully be my last semester of undergrad!  Our senior house is coming together piece by piece, and unfortunately the couch cushion pieces don't fit yet...  My list of necessities grows by the minute as I am learning how much it takes to fill a six bedroom house.

After a month long separation, I finally got to spend time with Emily on Saturday night, and we went to church at Common Ground on Sunday which for me was the first time in too long.  We all know how easy it is when you skip church one Sunday to make a little habit out of it, and especially after a 3-week hiatus in Central America, getting out of bed Sunday morning was difficult.

The worship Sunday morning was incredible.  That's one of my favorite things about Common Ground is the 15-20 high-energy worship session that starts off the service.  The current pastor isn't my favorite from Common Ground, but usually I still am able to take something meaningful away from his sermons.

Yesterday, Jeff spoke about a passage in Acts, and the idea of living to serve not to be served.  He stressed the importance of carrying out our actions without expecting something in return, and about how important it is to make your spiritual needs known because there is probably someone out there whose needs complement your own.

I've experienced the power of prayer before, specifically while I was living in The Netherlands, but as you know this is such an intriguing concept for me.  However, once you personally feel the power of prayer you can no longer deny the grace and power of God.  These past few weeks I just feel myself running in the wrong direction, but constantly being reminded that no matter how hard I resist, Jesus still has my heart on a leash.  Last night as I tossed and turned in my bed, preoccupied about jobs and money among other things I knew what I needed to do was pray, but I found myself unable to put words and thoughts together.  It was almost as if I felt that I didn't deserve to be praying for myself, and I just have been so distant and inconsistent in my conversations with God lately that I just couldn't pray, and that scares me.

So, I'm asking you to help me.  If you're reading this, I'm desperate for prayer and I also want to pray for you.  I need to see if I can help someone else, because I'm finding it impossible to help myself.  Please don't hesitate to reach out to me if you've something impending on your heart, because I love to listen and I want to pray for you!

Peace & blessings :)