Pieces of the people we love

I'm a very emotional person.

I'm a very loving person.

I'm a very fragile person.

These three qualities, mixed into one person, can be diabolical if all activated at the same time.  

I'm emotional because I am a woman, because it's in my blood, and because it's in my heart on my sleeve.  

I'm loving because I come from a large family, because I know I am loved, and because I know what it feels like to love someone unconditionally.  

I am a fragile person because I wear my heart on my sleeve, because I have had my love broken, and because I let the little things get to me.

So what do you do?  Because every single day in this world brings something to your table that could tear it all down.  A death in the family, a failed exam, a poor decision.  How do we go on, day by day? What are we holding on for?

Each day I open my computer as I'm getting ready for class and turn on music.  From KLove to Third Eye Blind Pandora to A cappella, to get me in the mood to face the day.  But before I open my browser, before I check my e-mail I take a second to look at my background photo.  Each and every day since probably last October I have taken a moment to soak in a picture of me, Amy, Abi, Clara, Georgie, and Emily, sitting on a silly statue in Brussels, embarking on the biggest adventure of our lives.  And I miss them, I love them, and I am heartbroken that my trip has ended.. nearly a year ago and it's hard to believe.

Every day I am exposed to so much selfishness, self-pity, and general discontent that it would be so easy for me to just say, "Screw it all, I give up."  As I sit here, feeling sorry for myself, embarrassed for something I said or did or wore, mad because my hair looks silly, yet feeling bad because I know I complain about it too much, I forget about this image that I see every single day.  Of these girls, these international women, who didn't know me from Adam (or Eve) yet trusted me enough to travel internationally with them, spend 1/3 of a year living life to the fullest with me, and now looking back these women mean so much to me.  These women have always meant so much to me, because they have always been in my life, whether I've known it or not.

And that's all it takes, that's what I'm living for.  To send a card to my brothers and cousins even though they're only an hour away.  To think and pray about my friends here and abroad, because we all have impossible schedules, with or without a time difference.  To remember that whether I'm lonely or not, overwhelmed or not, disappointed or not, that what ever is going to happen has already been planned, and whether I'm going to mope around and pout about it, or go out there and try to figure out what it is, it's happening. It's happening.  It happened.

Did you get that Bridesmaids reference?

Well anyway, if it weren't for that background picture, the emojees I've got next to my mom's contact in my phone, or the half-tootless smiles I know are waiting for me back home, I don't know where I'd be.

Just some thoughts, feels good to be writing again.  Thanks for reading, friends.

I just. don't. get it.

As I sit here, "studying" with Allie, my pent up energy finally letting itself out at the most opportune time of 10 o'clock... I feel myself really recognizing this immense impasse that is my relationship status.

It seems like every other picture I see on Instagram is two love-birds, matches made in heaven, so happy, so lucky, so blessed.

#okaywegetit

And you know, as 20-something women, we are told daily by our parents and our friends and our loved ones that we are beautiful, our outfits are "So Cute!", and we are sweet, smart, funny, the list goes on and on.  But what is so frustrating to me, is that how is this so obvious to some people, most people even, yet utterly invisible to the opposite sex.

It's like on one hand you have the "there's someone out there for everyone," and "as soon as you stop looking you'll find what you were looking for."

But then you've got half of your friends in this relationship wonderland with support and happiness and flawlessness (or so they make it seem on social media).  And I'm just like, did I miss the memo?

And then you've got my mom in the middle who oh so kindly likes to remind me that some people never get married, that God's plan for some people is to be single.  Forever.  Just shoot me.

Recently a co-worker asked me what my "type" was.  I had never really thought about it.  I guess I've been self soul searching for a while now and hadn't really even considered what it was I am looking for.  So I answered an honest, simple answer.  A good, Christian boy.

Taken aback, he wasn't sure how to reply right away.  He then suggested, in not so many words, that I should check out Christian Mingle.  Yes, the online dating site.  I kindly reminded him that I am 21 years old and am not that desperate..... yet.... thank you very much.

Hello?!!  How come girls who I hang out with, who are my friends, my peers, my equals are cruising the calm seas in the love boat, while here I am, commanding my kayak in the choppy rapids?

Signed,
Irked in Indianapolis

When people act like they don't know you

Behold my latest vlog..

Centered around the theme of how it makes me feel when people you know you have encountered in one way or another, you see them on a semi-regular basis, and yet they still think it's appropriate to act like they don't know you.  They don't know your name, they don't recognize you (yeah right..), and better yet they don't even say hi.

Momma always told me not to talk to strangers.

I'd love to hear your thoughts, especially if you have specific ties to this topic, or if you think I'm out of line.. but I can't promise I'll know you from now on if that's the case...

iWorkout

None of us are strangers to this recent spandex uniform workout wardrobe obsession that seems to have taken the world by storm.  Ladies decked out to the nines in clothes bearing flashy little symbols showing where they were purchased (and likely how much they cost).  This is how it makes me feel to be swimming in a sea of spandex.

My Bed

So I pulled out my journal from Creative Writing last night and wrote for the first time since school's been out.. outside of blogging.. to try and start organizing my thoughts and hopefully clearing some of them out.  Tonight I did the same and as I started to write I gave myself a challenge to keep the same topic for an entire page.  I managed to accomplish this task, however when I got to the end of the page, I realized my entire exposition was an incredible analogy that was pulled out of my brain and put in front of my face at the exact moment that I needed a sign.

I'm going to share what I wrote, and then reflect on the power within what I thought might have only turned into a half ass-ed haiku.

My bed is like a palace.  It's my solstice and solitude.  It is so comfortable with soft sheets, 10 pillows, my baby friends, & the warm light of my step-mother's hand-me-down lamp, which brings out just the perfect shades in my TJ Maxx, almost too bright quilt.

It's extravagant, yet delicate and perfect.  I love to have all the space in my bed to myself.  I can line my pillows up on either side & be protected from the dark unknown, safe in the Land of Nod.

Even when I'm just sitting for a minute, I sit and am nearly immediately rejuvenated by the power of its comfort.  It lures me into its realm each night, and releases me each morning with the promise of just a short goodbye until it's time again for bed.  On those nights when I don't return, I yearn for the warm, safe embrace of my space, & when I do return, I am welcomed with open arms & I am always welcome like I had never even left.

So, what do you think?

Once I got to the part about the nights I miss my bed, and yearn for it's safety and comfort I realized this page is about God.  Okay, minus the 10 pillows and rainbow Cynthia Rowley quilt...

But for real, the past few days I have just been stewing in self pity and ashamedness for my distance from God.  I haven't been praying like I should be, or being the woman He made me to be.  Then all of a sudden, just like He will do, the Holy Spirit pulled these intimate thoughts about my full size mattress out of my head and into my journal where I read them to find that these are all qualities of my God, and that no matter how far I feel I have fallen, or no matter how many nights I have yearned for my Temperpedic pillow and 10-year-old Rabbie, I get brought right back to the reality that I had never really left.

Almost like the Parable of the Prodigal Son, which I heard again recently.  Like the Son, I have been sitting on the outskirts of my faith, thinking that if nothing else, maybe God will let me ride on the coattails of his miracles, not being a part of them, but still allowed to follow Him.  But also like the Son, I realize (though I have been told all along) that God wants to take us back and more when we come home to Him.  He doesn't want us slopping with the slaves, but instead, at His right-hand, safe, warm, and welcome.

I realize this sounds cliche, but I was so simply awestruck by the realization of this analogy that I had to share it.  They say the Holy Spirit is within us, and I have been a witness to this tonight, such a freeing feeling on this warm Tuesday night.

Goodnight, friends.

Sometimes we run

Well, we made it back safe and sound from Costa Rica with some incredible memories and unbelievable stories to last a lifetime.  Upon return I decided to spend a semi-relaxing week at home with my family before making the final move back to Butler for what will hopefully be my last semester of undergrad!  Our senior house is coming together piece by piece, and unfortunately the couch cushion pieces don't fit yet...  My list of necessities grows by the minute as I am learning how much it takes to fill a six bedroom house.

After a month long separation, I finally got to spend time with Emily on Saturday night, and we went to church at Common Ground on Sunday which for me was the first time in too long.  We all know how easy it is when you skip church one Sunday to make a little habit out of it, and especially after a 3-week hiatus in Central America, getting out of bed Sunday morning was difficult.

The worship Sunday morning was incredible.  That's one of my favorite things about Common Ground is the 15-20 high-energy worship session that starts off the service.  The current pastor isn't my favorite from Common Ground, but usually I still am able to take something meaningful away from his sermons.

Yesterday, Jeff spoke about a passage in Acts, and the idea of living to serve not to be served.  He stressed the importance of carrying out our actions without expecting something in return, and about how important it is to make your spiritual needs known because there is probably someone out there whose needs complement your own.

I've experienced the power of prayer before, specifically while I was living in The Netherlands, but as you know this is such an intriguing concept for me.  However, once you personally feel the power of prayer you can no longer deny the grace and power of God.  These past few weeks I just feel myself running in the wrong direction, but constantly being reminded that no matter how hard I resist, Jesus still has my heart on a leash.  Last night as I tossed and turned in my bed, preoccupied about jobs and money among other things I knew what I needed to do was pray, but I found myself unable to put words and thoughts together.  It was almost as if I felt that I didn't deserve to be praying for myself, and I just have been so distant and inconsistent in my conversations with God lately that I just couldn't pray, and that scares me.

So, I'm asking you to help me.  If you're reading this, I'm desperate for prayer and I also want to pray for you.  I need to see if I can help someone else, because I'm finding it impossible to help myself.  Please don't hesitate to reach out to me if you've something impending on your heart, because I love to listen and I want to pray for you!

Peace & blessings :)

Me encanta Costa Rica!

Hola amigos y amigas!

After 2 full days in Costa Rica I am so tired I could die, and its not even 8 PM! I would like to share with you a brief schedule of what our days are like here (or at least what they have been for the past 2 days) and after I will share some thoughts and opinions of my time so far!

A typical day so far:

6:30 AM: wake up, get dressed eat breakfast. Breakfast consists of fresh fruit like pineapple, papaya, melon, and bananas, coffee with milk and "azucar negro" which is essentially brown sugar, and a tiny quesadilla with cheese. It sounds weird but it all is so good! Especially the coffee!!!

7:30: catch the bus about 2 blocks from our house and take about a 25 minute bus ride to ILISA (the school). The traffic here is out of control. If you thought the bikes/trams/cars/buses in Amsterdam were crazy, compared to San Jose they are nothing. The roads are more steep than the hills I go skiing down in Michigan. And the drivers are the definition of loco. I will try to take a video of what the streets are like because it is just downright dangerous.

8:30: arrive at ILISA. After the bus ride we have about another 20-25 minute walk from the bus stop to the school. The past two days we have had activities at 8:30. Today was a walking tour of San Jose, the capital of Costa Rica. Even though the scenery is incredible and unlike anything I've ever seen, the city was very dirty, with trash literally everywhere. It's also extremely loud with all the traffic and multitudes of people. I've definitely decided that a crowded city is NOT for me.

12:00: eat lunch at school and get ready for our tutoring session.

1:00: a one-on-one tutoring session. Yesterday we had a small interview and then they paired us with a teacher who can help us most with our problem areas or levels of Spanish. My tutors name is Ilse and she is great! We work in a workbook, but we also have lots of conversations and I have found it very easy to tell her stories and important aspects of my life at home in the states.

4:00: the tutoring session ends and we either go home or have an after school activity. Today we had a dance lesson of Merengue and Salsa! It was fun, but in a very small room with about 30 people and no ventilation! But I learned how to move to the Costa Rican music, and hopefully I will get to try it out this weekend!

After the dance lesson myself along with a few other girls decided to try to find a place to have some margaritas before returning home for dinner. We asked for directions but inevitably got lost and wound up in a "bar" with a bar tender who didn't know what a margarita was..... So we got the heck out of dodge and decided to just go home.

By this time it was about 6 and near dark out. The instructors at ILISA told us not to take the bus after 7, and today was the first day we had to take the bus home alone....

My roommate Katie and I were kind of freaking out, but we managed to find our bus stop, and recognize where we needed to get off the bus by our house. I can not even begin to explain how big of a miracle this was. God was holding our hands because there is absolutely no stinkin' way we did this on our own!

For dinner last night we had the most delicious carne asada steak I have ever had, with fresh, homemade pico de gallo, scalloped potatoes, and freshly made mango juice. I could have eaten for 4 hours. It was unbelievably fantastic. Tonight we had a cream of squash soup, a fresh salad with lettuce, tomato, onion, cilantro, corn, and pineapple, and a sort of chicken pot pie kind of dish. Can you believe I ate every last bite?! I didn't think I liked squash but this soup was incredible, and that salad? I never eat salad and I had 2 platefuls. Sandra is a wizard in the kitchen, I want to bring her back with me to cook for me next year!

After dinner Katie and I take quick showers and try to be in bed by 9! It sounds early but after a 14+ hour day it's not early enough because tomorrow we get to get up and do it all again!

While at times it is difficult to speak with Sandra especially (she is very strictly only Spanish with Katie and I) I have been trying to talk with them more, and I think I am getting through to them. However, Katie has less experience with Spanish and so our host parents mostly only talk to me! No pressure though...

I can't believe only two days have gone by and I'm in love with this country! I am so excited to see the beach this weekend and other places outside of San Jose. I have even started thinking in Spanish! In fact it has been kind of hard switching gears to English in order to write this post, so I apologize if my grammar is a bit off ;)

I hope you have enjoyed, hasta mañana!