I've decided that since I set up an account to send mass e-mail updates about my time in Spain, that I'm going to try to keep my blog entries as they usually are-- just snippets of thoughts on life and how I'm living it. Spain may or may not make appearances, but if you're looking for the play-by-play, turn to the e-mail updates!
On that note, it feels good to be writing again! I've had a hard time sleeping the past couple nights because my mind has just been racing... especially given everything that's happened recently and just the fact that, hello I picked up and moved across the world. So feeling kind of disoriented should be normal, right? But then why does it feel like I'm the only one who feels this way?
When I first arrived, the first few people I met in the airport were the orientation guides who were in my shoes last year and then decided to extend their contract with CIEE for another round. I've always known this was an option, and people always joke that I'll never come back, but I've always felt like this was just an opportunity and adventure that I needed and wanted to take, but there has never been any question that I would come home.
Anyway, a few of the directors and staff who actually work in Madrid for CIEE have been here for years and have no plans of returning back to the States. I commend them for their bravery, and I understand everyone has their own reasons for staying, but I feel like I'm almost not letting myself fully get comfortable here because I don't want to get THAT comfortable. I don't want to come to a point where I would consider not going back to my family and friends. Is that bad?
And I'm so frustrated, you know? I just want to have it all figured out. I want God's plan to be revealed, like now. I'm horrible at being patient, and I often wonder if I'm being taught a lesson in patience with the way things seem to never work out or at least not how I intended. I applied for this job on a whim, along with a slew of other jobs I wasn't qualified for and this was the one I got. And I'm overjoyed and grateful and ecstatic to be here-- obviously I didn't have to accept the position or pay the money or any of that, so don't take this to mean that I don't want to be here. I do.
It's just that, I really thought everything was really getting started. I was going to go on this adventure, get the experience I needed to apply for jobs back home, come back in a year and start my adult life and I was excited and I was ready and then I was reminded- God's timing isn't my timing, and timing is everything. It's really a horrible feeling being frustrated with God, feeling so disconnected, so far away, and knowing that part of that is because I'm harboring anger towards Him because I really thought the plan was finally starting.
But then I put the pity party on hold for 5 seconds, and I realize the plan's been happening all along.
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