Everything's gonna be alright

I've decided that since I set up an account to send mass e-mail updates about my time in Spain, that I'm going to try to keep my blog entries as they usually are-- just snippets of thoughts on life and how I'm living it.  Spain may or may not make appearances, but if you're looking for the play-by-play, turn to the e-mail updates!

On that note, it feels good to be writing again!  I've had a hard time sleeping the past couple nights because my mind has just been racing... especially given everything that's happened recently and just the fact that, hello I picked up and moved across the world.  So feeling kind of disoriented should be normal, right?  But then why does it feel like I'm the only one who feels this way?

When I first arrived, the first few people I met in the airport were the orientation guides who were in my shoes last year and then decided to extend their contract with CIEE for another round.  I've always known this was an option, and people always joke that I'll never come back, but I've always felt like this was just an opportunity and adventure that I needed and wanted to take, but there has never been any question that I would come home.

Anyway, a few of the directors and staff who actually work in Madrid for CIEE have been here for years and have no plans of returning back to the States.  I commend them for their bravery, and I understand everyone has their own reasons for staying, but I feel like I'm almost not letting myself fully get comfortable here because I don't want to get THAT comfortable.  I don't want to come to a point where I would consider not going back to my family and friends.  Is that bad?

And I'm so frustrated, you know?  I just want to have it all figured out.  I want God's plan to be revealed, like now.  I'm horrible at being patient, and I often wonder if I'm being taught a lesson in patience with the way things seem to never work out or at least not how I intended.  I applied for this job on a whim, along with a slew of other jobs I wasn't qualified for and this was the one I got.  And I'm overjoyed and grateful and ecstatic to be here-- obviously I didn't have to accept the position or pay the money or any of that, so don't take this to mean that I don't want to be here.  I do.

It's just that, I really thought everything was really getting started.  I was going to go on this adventure, get the experience I needed to apply for jobs back home, come back in a year and start my adult life and I was excited and I was ready and then I was reminded- God's timing isn't my timing, and timing is everything.  It's really a horrible feeling being frustrated with God, feeling so disconnected, so far away, and knowing that part of that is because I'm harboring anger towards Him because I really thought the plan was finally starting.

But then I put the pity party on hold for 5 seconds, and I realize the plan's been happening all along.

Goin' to the Chapel

It should come as no surprise to you, if you know me at all, that I am a rather enthusiastic fan of weddings.  A wedding enthusiast if you will.  This being said, I very well may have used this title in the past, so my apologies if I'm showing redundancy.

Tomorrow is going to be a big day.  A woman very dear to me is tying the knot with her Butler sweetheart in a quaint Lutheran sanctuary lined with stained glass and rural charm, and I have the opportunity to share in the gospel with the guests a lovely section from Ephesians.

Ephesians 5:21-33 NIV

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife, loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated their own body, just as Christ does the church-- for we are members of his body.  "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."  This is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church.  However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Now for someone who is new to the submission talk in the Bible, these verses can be kind of challenging to wrap your mind around.  In our bible study this past year we delved into this concept pretty deeply, which I think is an important task to consider if you don't fully comprehend a Godly relationship.  To put it simply, God wants the man in a relationship to take after him, holding responsibility for providing for his wife and creating a safe, holy home for his family.  The husband should do these things as Christ does for us.  By his side, a woman should let her husband care for her, and create a well-rounded, Christian atmosphere for her family.  Again, with the work of God being her example.  Now, the husband and wife, side by side and loving God above all form the body of Christ.

So, I know this is still a lot to digest, but we can save the scripture dissection for another time.  The inspiration behind this post is how the bride has affected my life, and how my perspective on life and love is shifting thanks to her example.

The past year and a half or so have been a rollercoaster of love, infatuation, and heart break...and through it all I've gone from wedding obsessed, to ridin' solo, to trying to be the great girlfriend, to losing myself in trying to fit the mold. 

Yada yada yada.

& people keep telling me, you've got to stop looking, that it's going to happen when and how it's supposed to.  Well yeah, easy for you to say when you married your high school sweetheart.  & while I am trying so so so hard to let the plan run its course, I'm falling off the trail.  Thus, making myself feel as though I'm not even going to deserve whatever the big guy's got in store.

But seriously, my unstable emotions always get the best of me and when I'm waking up every morning from nightmares of failed relationships (pathetic, I know), crying over posted photos, and letting my imagination run wild I can't help but come to the conclusion the fairy tell ending just isn't in the cards for me.

Tonight though, as this matrimony is putting me into an optimistic sense of euphoria, I am going to make a promise to myself.  A promise to stop selling myself short, to pick back up my journal, and to remind my self why I deserve and want a Godly relationship.  I don't think I've lost my way, no, and I think it's important that I realize my heart is in a sort of danger of being tempted.  

So here's a love prayer:

God, 

Thank you for blessing this world with the lives of Shelbe and Joel.  Thank you for putting their example in my eyes, and for giving me the chance to be a part of this momentous occasion.  Be with the wedding party tomorrow, the families, and the congregation as we celebrate in your name.  Please continue to help me let go of the hurt in my past, the mistakes I have made, and the temptations I face.  Thank you for never giving up on me, even though I can't always feel it, I know you are always there.  

Amen. 

Here comes goodbye.

Four years ago at this time I was in the summer between my freshman and sophomore years.  Pretty shy, very awkward, I'm almost positive I was in retainers still, and working the same summer job I have now.  I was getting ready to embark on my first year at Senior High Institute (fancy name for church camp).

I was really nervous, one because I had never gone to church camp before, and two because our church had just gotten a new youth pastor, and I hadn't met him yet.

In the Methodist Church, pastors don't get to stay in the same place forever.  They are moved around from area to area, church to church, and to my knowledge they don't have a whole lot of choice in when or where they go.

Alex Hershey was from Monticello, my home town, and his mother was my 6th grade (and favorite) english teacher.  He had grown up here, went to my high school, grown up in our church, and was blessed enough to have the opportunity to move back home and become our new youth pastor.

So, first week on the job, Alex is thrown into taking a small group of high school kids to camp.  I am one of these kids.  We get to Epworth Forest and find out that since our group is so small we have to share a cabin with another church.  I had never been to camp so I didn't realize this would be such an issue...however it turned out to be pretty much a disaster and we ended up leaving the cabin on the last night and all staying up all night in a random lodge playing foursquare and game cube.

This is just one of many times Alex took a non-ideal situation and turning it into a wonderful memory.  In the past four years I have been on countless retreats, ski trips, weeks at camp, and random trips with him and the rest of our youth group and we have become a family.

Because of Alex I accepted Christ.
Because of Alex I have confidence.
Because of Alex I am not ashamed to openly love Jesus.
And because of Alex I have come further in my faith.

He has taught me to strive to live simply, how to be a woman of God, how to play foursquare, and how to be an example for others.

You might be wondering why I decided to dedicate this post to him, four years after he began to make his impact.  Well, remember how I said pastors don't stay in the same place forever?  Alex is leaving.  This was his last Sunday preaching at my church, and let's just say service was a bit more emotional.  All those memories, funny stories, time spent together is going away with Alex and his family and I am at a loss for what to do.

I'm a bit over emotional as it is, but this man has had such a hand in who I have grown to be through high school.  I managed to hold it together pretty well at church, and this afternoon at the reception I knew it was time to leave before I let all the tears out.  But sitting here tonight I have lost it.  What do you do when someone that means so much to you is taken away?  It's not right to give up just because they're gone, but it will be so hard to bond with someone else the way we all have with Alex.

This morning at church our Senior Pastor said something that really made sense to me.  He said that even though it's extremely difficult to watch Alex leave, we wouldn't want it to be easy.  And that is so true.  I and all the other members of our congregation are so blessed to have had the opportunity to make the memories we have with him.  And we are so blessed to have grown and learned from everything he has to offer.  It's time for him to share his awesomeness with his new church, time for him to make such an impact on more people, to change the world even more than he already has.

So, here's to you Alex.  I don't know if you could possibly know how much you have influenced us, but I know you know how much you will be missed and remembered.

Goodness this is sounding like an obituary or something.

We love you, Godspeed, good luck, and stay in touch.

Fear Factor

I know they say texting and driving is deadly, but I think texting can be even more fatal in situations out of the driver's seat.

Mom always says that my friends and I have lost the ability to personally communicate, because we are much more likely to hide behind the protective shield of our cell phones and computer screens. 

 And it's so completely true. 

How many times do you hear of people breaking up over texts?

bullying on the internet?

& even online dating?

Every. Single. Day.

I'm not immune to this electronic illness, however I do realize how my capabilities of confident speaking,  courage, and face-to-face honesty have suffered because of this pandemic.  & in no way am I saying this is okay simply because I am aware I partake.  I am sickened by it.

It's like Adam & Eve.  Do you realize that we would all be walking around this earth naked had they not eaten that fruit and developed embarrassment?  A similar situation is developing with non-personal communication.  We feel safer behind our phones, less fearful when our words are spoken in letters and not sounds exchanged face-to-face.  Just like we feel more comfortable wearing clothes than we do strutting in our birthday suits.

Maybe this is a bad analogy, because I am also not in any way encouraging nudity.  However, I am encouraging honesty. Courage. Guts if you will.

My friends and I joke around about Facebook chatting each other when we're sitting in the same room, but is that the future? 

Will it soon be that the only time people communicate is through some other form of media than their mouths?

I'm definitely not down with that.  So how about you and me grow a pair, buck up and say it to their faces next time.  People are always saying we are the future....maybe we can change it.

Would you like some cheese with that?

I have been told mostly by my mother a few times that I complain too much.

I hate to admit it's true.  I often fail to see the good in situations.  I take a lot for granted.  & I get envious and blow things out of proportion often.

But here's the deal:

It's summer.  I'm stuck at home.  & thanks to my obsession with Facebook and social networking I am constantly in the know of everyone else's rockstar summers.

I WANT THAT. 

I want to go on trips.

I want to be back at Butler for the summer.

I don't want to be working.

I want to go to tons of concerts.

Hang out with tons of friends all the time.

Go to the lake and be useless all day.

After the 50+ hour work week I have had (and am not getting paid overtime for) do I not have the right to whine just a little?

I really struggle to see how people don't have my same problem.  How is no one else incredibly depressed that they are stuck in TouristTown, USA for yet another summer?  How do other kids who don't go on relaxing/fun/free of work vacations deal with the suckiness of the situation?  And why am I the only one who seems to be mad about it?

While it may just seem that there's nothing going on simply because its storming out and I'm already ready for bed after working all day, I would jump at the chance to be sitting back in my sweltering dorm room watching movies and eating crappy food.

So, in lieu of my horrible attitude, I leave you with this,

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

-Ephesians 4:29

in hopes that you might think twice before ranting and raving about your sorrows like I do.

The end.

It's been a while since I've written, but today after braving hour after hour of intense storms I have been inspired.

With all the hype of the world supposedly ending on 12/21/12, I have been in a constant state of paranoia, trying to prove people wrong about this devastating idea.  & now that all of these natural disasters are occurring within days of each other I can't help but think that the end really is near.

Being the Christian that I am, I believe that the end of the world will culminate with the coming of Jesus back to Earth.  However, being the avid Bible reader that I (regretfully) am not, I have never been exactly sure about how the Bible says it will happen.

I have heard many things, 

the world will end in destruction.

the world will end after waves of disasters.

the end will be horrible for those who don't get to go back with Jesus.

But what is it?

I want to know what is going to happen & I want to know that I get to leave with Him.

There in lies the problem.

I'm pretty sure that being scared, afraid, and upset about the end of the world is the exact opposite of how God wants me to feel about it.

I should be excited that he could be coming back tomorrow.

Ecstatic that I could go to heaven with him.

Grateful for the time I have gotten to spend on this Earth.

And anything but regretful for the time I have not.

But I'm terrified of leaving Earth.  I am so excited for the life I have left to live.  I am devastated at the thought of never graduating college, getting married, traveling, & starting a family.  

Does that mean I don't get to go to heaven?

Because I like living on Earth?

I know heaven is where it's at.  I absolutely want to go. I want to radiate with God's word in order to earn my spot in heaven.  I want to see my uncle Brian, my grandma Fagan, and my first dog.  I want to live eternal life and have happiness forever.

But is it so bad to be pretty excited for earthly happiness too?

So, while I'm still very stressed about missing out on my living life, and not getting to do all the things I have planned, I would hate to wake up tomorrow morning and read the newspaper headlines that say,

"Jesus Came Last Night."

You Were Made to Make a Difference

Reading has always been a favorite hobby for me.  I melt in every single Nicolas Sparks novel.  I finished the Twilight saga in a matter of days.  I sometimes even take notes while reading books (no not textbooks) I never want to forget.

I have recently been reading one of these notables, Out Live Your Life, by Max Lucado.  I received this book as a Christmas gift, & while it is not the romantic love escapade I usually pick up, I decided to give it a chance.  Boy am I glad I did.

Lucado is a Christian author, and this book is separated into chapters which offer advice on how to better your life, and the lives of others by keeping the faith.  Today I want to share with you the themes of my 3 favorite chapters so far in the book.

1. Do Good, Quietly

In this chapter, Lucado opens with the story of a family who has inherited a large sum of money.  When deciding what to do with the cash, the idea crosses their mind to donate it to the church, HOWEVER they wanted to keep some of it for themselves.  So, the Sunday following the sudden inheritance the couple announces to the congregation that they are donating the entire sum of $10,000, even though they had actually acquired $15,000. 

Here's the problem: not only were they boasting their lavish contribution, but they deliberately lied to the church and to God about their true intentions for the money.  Lucado provides this description,

"They used the church for self-promotion.  They leveraged God's family for personal gain.  They attempted to turn a congregation into a personal stage across which they could strut."

It is very important in the Christian faith to do good things, and to help others.  However it is also very important to be humble about such acts, and not take personal gain from the deeds you do for others.

2. Remember Who Holds You

Here, Max Lucado emphasizes the importance of not taking full credit for things that have been given to you.  For instance, life.  He stresses that it is wrong to take credit for the gifts God has given us.  & it is also wrong to boast about accomplishing feats that would be impossible without Him.

"What do you have that God hasn't given you?  And f everything you have is from God, why boast as through it were not a gift?"

(1 Cor. 4:7 NLT)

So, while it is exciting to share our outrageous accomplishments with others, it is crucial to always keep in mind the big guy who made it all possible.  Make sure he gets a little credit too.

3. Stable the High Horse

I just finished this chapter last night, and I think it holds great resonance in our world today.  The attention getter at the start of this chapter tells the story of a man who stood up for and cared for exiled lepers in a time when leprosy ran rampant in Hawaii.  While helping the lepers by praying with them, dressing their wounds, and living among them, the man developed the disease himself and passed away. 

The point of this story was that people today often see or think of others as inferior.  Obviously in this case the clean, healthy folks looked down upon the dirty, diseased lepers & cast them off to an unchartered island.

One quote that stood out for me from this chapter is as follows, 

"Categorizing others creates distance and gives us a convenient exit strategy for avoiding involvement."

We see ourselves doing these things every single day.  Thinking we're better than others, casting out folks we see as unworthy.  But does God?  NO.

"God has shown me that he doesn't think anyone is unclean or unfit."

(Acts 10:28 CEV)

While I know this post is long and lengthy, I really feel that these are important lessons (along with the other 13 chapters) from Max Lucado's book, Out Live Your Life.  

So, take these forms of advice, and you just might see your outlook on life improving.  I know I have. If you are interested in learning more about Max's work check out his website.