So, I read an interesting link tonight which listed 50 questions that were meant to free your mind. Questions meant to allow our minds to wander into the realm of what if? why not? & who says? One of the inquiries got me especially though:
Are you holding on to something that you need to let go of?
In my case I feel like a better question might be, is there ANYTHING you aren't holding onto?
I tend to be a hoarder of feelings, thoughts, and negative energy. Don't get me wrong, I have gotten much better at seeing the silver lining. But unfortunately I'm one of those people who frequently sees the bad in things. That being said, this past semester has held some major tribulations with a delicately hidden silver lining. Some experiences that instantly came to mind when I read this question.
Relationships.
Aren't easy.
Trust me, I may have not had many...but I definitely have the scar tissue to prove I've played my hand in the Love Game. I'll spare you the messy details and suffice it to say that I've grown into someone I never could have been without the pain in my past. The thing is-- I can't let it go.
I've probably heard the phrase,
"Let go and let God"
about 45,908,345 times this year. But let me tell you something honey,
easier said than done.
How is it fair, that after the ringer I was put through, that it should just all go away? All the pain and struggle and heartbreak. The immature, revenge seeking devil on my left shoulder has it out for anyone who might dare re-open those wounds. But the calming, level-headed angel on my right is trying to teach me to have trust in God's plan, that everything happens for a reason, and that I shouldn't be looking for love. That if it's meant to be it will come on its own.
Well that kinda sucks.
If you look up hopeless romantic in the dictionary, my name is listed as the first definition. Would I get married tomorrow if the opportunity presented itself?
Hell yes I would.
Therein lies the problem... I am holding on so tightly to every mistake I've ever made in a relationship, every potential mistake I could make. I worry constantly about pleasing others, so that maybe after everyone else is content it will be alright for me to relax and worry about myself. But nobody's ever happy all at the same time. And it's ludicrous for me to believe my weak hands could mend the brokenness in the lives of those I care about. You know in a job interview when they ask you what your weaknesses are?
I care too much.
No, that's not one of those weaknesses that you try to make sound like a positive. I don't have any care leftover for myself, so I really do suffer. My sleep suffers when my mind races about encounters from my day. My grades suffer when I'm more concerned with spending time with my friends. My anxiety suffers when I don't receive the same level of concern in return.
Perhaps if I could just let go of the pain in my past, let go of my irrational hopes for happily ever after, and let go of my need to please everyone, I could tighten the reigns on the things that really matter.
I could grab ahold of myself, and tackle the problems I actually have the power to fix.
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