Write this down.

Once upon a time there was a young girl who didn't have a clue what she wanted to do with her life after college.  She had dreams floating around in her noggin', but wasn't quite sure where to find them.  She was good in school, getting bad marks only for her distinctively carrying voice.  

In her teens she would find old journals that had been dabbled in, but never thoroughly completed.  She wouldn't admit her adoration for writing until her college years, through making an earnest effort to keep up with her journals, and posting her thoughts to her peers in a more public forum.  

Rewind to her years of off and on diary qualms and insert one interesting 18th birthday gift from her father.

This journal went unused until May 16, 2010, five months after receiving it, when she decided to use it as a way to write letters to people she couldn't find the courage to tell how she felt.  Whether confessions about her wrong doings, honest feelings she was scared to reveal, or cries for help from dear ones she could no longer reach in the physical world, she would use these pages as an outlet for her troubled soul.

Today, while she has discovered perhaps a few of the secrets to life that she knew not before, the journal still stands as a beacon of refuge when the world can at times be too much for her to handle.  

Which brings us to this moment.  22 days from the biggest leap of faith she will ever take.  And she doesn't know where else to turn.  These ever so often moments of distress sometimes lead her to look back to old entries, and see perhaps how her prayers had been answered from past despair.  

The following letter, while perhaps not changing the mood, put her in a more solemn, calm mindset.  Being able to have a way to reach out to her lost uncle, Brian.

5/16/10 11:30 PM

Dear Uncle Brian,

Did you know I loved you?  Did you know you were my favorite uncle?  Did you know that I wonder what my life would be like if you hadn't been taken from it?  Could you have been there for me?  Would you have supported me when it seemed that everyone else didn't?  Could you have kept them grounded?  I wish you could meet me now.  would you be proud of my mediocre grades and lack of motivation, even though they aren't perfect or matched with strong athletics and beauty?  

Now that I have been thinking about your passing, I realize how hard it was on our family, but is it ok for me to feel this way though I never REALLY had a relationship with you?  I wish I could know you.  Do you watch over me?  I wish everyone could see that I am so completely confused and really need to sort through all of these troubles.  

Will you help me?

I love you.

The remaining pages contain prayers, letters, and angsty rants of a teenage girl.  All of which have one thing in common: confusion.

She was confused about who she was.

Where she fit in the world.

Why she was the way she was.

Who her friends were.

Who her friends weren't.

How long heartbreak would last.

Why heartbreak happened to her.

What to do with her life and her talents.

What her talents were.

Why everyone cared what she did with the rest of her life.

If only she would have been able to see what so many people constantly tried to tell her.

To surround herself with those who made her happy, those who she didn't feel like she needed to make happy; and that someone, someday would help her realize that she needn't be so concerned about the world around her, but who was right in front of her.

I've Got Your Back

I've changed a lot since high school.  Everyone has.  I'm a firm believer that college changes people.  But not necessarily in a bad way.  I am so much more independent and confident than the girl I was three years ago, which comes from living on my own, making my own decisions, and finding out who I am in the midst of 4,000 young adults. 

Ironically, I've also always been one who hates change.  I didn't want to move from my childhood home, I didn't want to no longer be the only child, I couldn't handle my high school boyfriend leaving for college... and he didn't even move out.  Some might say I have some anxiety issues.  I might be one of those people.  But one thing that hasn't changed about my personality is my heart.

Alright so we all know I am a desperately hopeless romantic.  My heart melts when couples hold hands, I don't let myself be content until everyone around me is happy, and I wear my heart on my sleeve.  

I'm one of those ones who cares too much.  Like I was the kid who cried when I made someone else cry on the playground because I felt so guilty for hurting their feelings, or whatever it was.  I just get my feelings hurt too easily.  Where does the title tie into this?  Selfishness.

Sure, everyone can be selfish.  I personally am usually selfish when it comes to my family.  I tend to forget about the wants my brothers might have and sometimes throw my little tantrums when things don't go my way around the house.  But with friends (please tell me if this is inaccurate so I don't look like a total ass hole) I really try to put others first.  You know to keep the peace, keep my friends, and because I pretty much just go along with things to assure I'm not left out (honestly I'm not as big of a follower as that just sounded).

So that being said, I do appreciate being put first at least on people's radar of care.  Sorry, no such luck. I've learned through many experiences in my college career that sometimes people really just don't give a shit about anything other than themselves.  Sorry, that's harsh but seriously!

Maybe it's just our age group, maybe it's just the times (the media contributes a lot to everything this days), but I really struggle to surround myself with those with big, caring hearts, which is discouraging to say the least.

This being said, I have collection of wonderful friends who I know would do anything for me, who I love unconditionally and I know they do the same; so I don't want to step on anybody's toes.  I just want to put it out there that I don't think I'm the only girl who is hurt by others' lack of respect.  So maybe just think next time you're making a decision that might be affecting someone other than yourself, because it could really do some damage if you care to think about it.

Goin' to the Chapel

It should come as no surprise to you, if you know me at all, that I am a rather enthusiastic fan of weddings.  A wedding enthusiast if you will.  This being said, I very well may have used this title in the past, so my apologies if I'm showing redundancy.

Tomorrow is going to be a big day.  A woman very dear to me is tying the knot with her Butler sweetheart in a quaint Lutheran sanctuary lined with stained glass and rural charm, and I have the opportunity to share in the gospel with the guests a lovely section from Ephesians.

Ephesians 5:21-33 NIV

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife, loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated their own body, just as Christ does the church-- for we are members of his body.  "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."  This is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church.  However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Now for someone who is new to the submission talk in the Bible, these verses can be kind of challenging to wrap your mind around.  In our bible study this past year we delved into this concept pretty deeply, which I think is an important task to consider if you don't fully comprehend a Godly relationship.  To put it simply, God wants the man in a relationship to take after him, holding responsibility for providing for his wife and creating a safe, holy home for his family.  The husband should do these things as Christ does for us.  By his side, a woman should let her husband care for her, and create a well-rounded, Christian atmosphere for her family.  Again, with the work of God being her example.  Now, the husband and wife, side by side and loving God above all form the body of Christ.

So, I know this is still a lot to digest, but we can save the scripture dissection for another time.  The inspiration behind this post is how the bride has affected my life, and how my perspective on life and love is shifting thanks to her example.

The past year and a half or so have been a rollercoaster of love, infatuation, and heart break...and through it all I've gone from wedding obsessed, to ridin' solo, to trying to be the great girlfriend, to losing myself in trying to fit the mold. 

Yada yada yada.

& people keep telling me, you've got to stop looking, that it's going to happen when and how it's supposed to.  Well yeah, easy for you to say when you married your high school sweetheart.  & while I am trying so so so hard to let the plan run its course, I'm falling off the trail.  Thus, making myself feel as though I'm not even going to deserve whatever the big guy's got in store.

But seriously, my unstable emotions always get the best of me and when I'm waking up every morning from nightmares of failed relationships (pathetic, I know), crying over posted photos, and letting my imagination run wild I can't help but come to the conclusion the fairy tell ending just isn't in the cards for me.

Tonight though, as this matrimony is putting me into an optimistic sense of euphoria, I am going to make a promise to myself.  A promise to stop selling myself short, to pick back up my journal, and to remind my self why I deserve and want a Godly relationship.  I don't think I've lost my way, no, and I think it's important that I realize my heart is in a sort of danger of being tempted.  

So here's a love prayer:

God, 

Thank you for blessing this world with the lives of Shelbe and Joel.  Thank you for putting their example in my eyes, and for giving me the chance to be a part of this momentous occasion.  Be with the wedding party tomorrow, the families, and the congregation as we celebrate in your name.  Please continue to help me let go of the hurt in my past, the mistakes I have made, and the temptations I face.  Thank you for never giving up on me, even though I can't always feel it, I know you are always there.  

Amen.