C's get degrees?

If you didn't know, I am officially a junior at Butler University.  My major has changed this past year to Spanish, from Communication Sciences and Disorders.  It's a long story.

Anyway...

Many students (it seems) go to Butler for the pharmacy program.  Because who wouldn't want to be a pharmacist, right?  And among my peers who are studying pharmacy I have gathered that it's pretty difficult work.  I gotta give it to 'em because I know for a fact I couldn't do it.

However, from them I have also learned that not only is getting a 4.0 GPA nearly impossible, it's not necessarily even striven for.  Hence the title of this post:

C's Get Degrees.

The first time I heard this catchy phrase I immediately told mom,

"Hey, why didn't I realize before that grades don't matter in college as long as you end up with a diploma?!"

I won't even delve into her response to save a few quarters from the swear jar...but suffice it to say this actually isn't the case for the average college student.  While different programs hold different levels of difficulty, if you're like me and are a part of the general "Liberal Arts" crowd, your grades definitely do matter.

Which SUCKS.

You know, for as hard as I tried in high school, and as much as I do try now, I'm over it.  I'm not trying to be the CEO of a company, cure cancer, or make a million dollars.  I want to do something that's going to make a difference, without having to worry about working my way to the top first.  I want to learn how to live simply, to earn what I have, and to start from nothing. 

I'm not saying I'm giving up on learning, or trying, but why does it have to be so darn competitive?  Why do so many people care so much about money; making it, spending it, wasting it?

I took 18 credits this semester, had a job, did the sorority life, and had the most stressful 16 weeks ever of my life.  

And you know what?

I'm proud of my 3.7 GPA.

I know I could have given up every square inch of my life to slaving away at the library and probably done better.  But, I also know myself enough to know that my sanity depends on an noncompetitive atmosphere, and I don't care that I'm not going to be the top of my class.

There's more to life than all A's.

There's more to college than a 4.0.

&

There's more people with college degrees that probably got C's, and I have a feeling they're doing just fine.

Don't Hold too Tight

So, I read an interesting link tonight which listed 50 questions that were meant to free your mind.  Questions meant to allow our minds to wander into the realm of what if? why not? & who says?  One of the inquiries got me especially though:

Are you holding on to something that you need to let go of?

In my case I feel like a better question might be, is there ANYTHING you aren't holding onto?

I tend to be a hoarder of feelings, thoughts, and negative energy.  Don't get me wrong, I have gotten much better at seeing the silver lining.  But unfortunately I'm one of those people who frequently sees the bad in things.  That being said, this past semester has held some major tribulations with a delicately hidden silver lining.  Some experiences that instantly came to mind when I read this question.

Relationships.

Aren't easy.

Trust me, I may have not had many...but I definitely have the scar tissue to prove I've played my hand in the Love Game.  I'll spare you the messy details and suffice it to say that I've grown into someone I never could have been without the pain in my past.  The thing is-- I can't let it go.

I've probably heard the phrase, 

"Let go and let God"

about 45,908,345 times this year.  But let me tell you something honey,

easier said than done.

How is it fair, that after the ringer I was put through, that it should just all go away?  All the pain and struggle and heartbreak.  The immature, revenge seeking devil on my left shoulder has it out for anyone who might dare re-open those wounds.  But the calming, level-headed angel on my right is trying to teach me to have trust in God's plan, that everything happens for a reason, and that I shouldn't be looking for love.  That if it's meant to be it will come on its own.

Well that kinda sucks.

If you look up hopeless romantic in the dictionary, my name is listed as the first definition.  Would I get married tomorrow if the opportunity presented itself?

Hell yes I would.

Therein lies the problem... I am holding on so tightly to every mistake I've ever made in a relationship, every potential mistake I could make.  I worry constantly about pleasing others, so that maybe after everyone else is content it will be alright for me to relax and worry about myself.  But nobody's ever happy all at the same time.  And it's ludicrous for me to believe my weak hands could mend the brokenness in the lives of those I care about.  You know in a job interview when they ask you what your weaknesses are?

I care too much.

No, that's not one of those weaknesses that you try to make sound like a positive.  I don't have any care leftover for myself, so I really do suffer.  My sleep suffers when my mind races about encounters from my day.  My grades suffer when I'm more concerned with spending time with my friends.  My anxiety suffers when I don't receive the same level of concern in return.

Perhaps if I could just let go of the pain in my past, let go of my irrational hopes for happily ever after, and let go of my need to please everyone, I could tighten the reigns on the things that really matter.

I could grab ahold of myself, and tackle the problems I actually have the power to fix.

My Legacy

Geez Louise I haven't blogged in ages.  Guess that means this post will be lengthy and difficult to decipher.

My sincerest apologies.

Tonight I spent the evening with one of my greatest friends and we watched the movie Julie & Julia.  (If you haven't seen it you should!)  The storyline follows an ambitious woman who decides to cook her way through Julia Child's cookbook while (wait for it.....) writing a blog depicting each recipe, and simultaneously finding herself through Julia's extraordinary encounters.

So of course my self pitying, zero confidence, worry wart self began thinking....

"What is my 'thing'? ...what is something I could exert innumerable amounts of energy and effort into doing that would subsequently turn me into the epitome of a wonderful human being?"

....hold that thought.

So, as I was walking out to my car I got a little adrenaline rush (this is normal) because it was pitch black, I was alone, and she lives in the woods (kinda).  Then as I got into my car (per usual) I turned around to check the back seat for intruders, and sped out of the cul-de-sac in order to make it home where I could surround myself with lights and sound.

As I began driving down the highway, I encountered a very slow moving, dark colored, beat up vehicle and my fear intensified.  My mind begins racing with horrible fantasies.

What if they turn around and begin following me?

What if they know who I am and have been plotting my abduction?

What if someone is in that car with a weapon and intends to thoughtlessly use it against me?

As dumb as this all sounds, we live in a world where these kinds of things actually do happen.  And whether they be freak accidents or not I once saw an episode of Oprah where a criminal entered a woman's car while she was pumping gas and from then on used her to perform her own kidnapping. 

How do these seemingly unrelated topics coincide?  Well, I then began thinking,

"If it's God's will that I be savagely taken against my will by a clan of lunatics.....will I be satisfied with my accomplishments?"

Ahhh....the classic question, what would you change if you knew it was your last day?

What is one thing you'd do if you knew it'd be the last thing you ever did?

& my addition, Why aren't we all doing these things now?

While I don't know exactly what I could or should or would be doing as opposed to anything I am, I do know it wouldn't be cooking.  But what could I be doing to make myself a better person?  To make myself a better Me?  Or simply to make myself happy and excited to live this life I have, no matter how short it may turn out to be?

I've got some ideas floating around up there....

crafting..

volunteering..

studying...?

I just don't want to feel like any of my time has been wasted.  And most of all I want to feel like I have made a lasting contribution.  A legacy.  I want to know what passion feels like.  And I'm going to make THAT my mission.

So...sorry for the randomness and ridiculosity of the extremely opposite natures of my tidbits.  But hopefully I may have sparked a thought in your mind, and maybe you have some insight for me on how to be who I want to be.

All Good Things Must Come to an End

This week has been a crazy one.  Filled with accidents, purposes, and tragedies.  This week has been filled with moments and events that have made me really think.  & I would like to get some of those thoughts off my chest.

Earlier this week I received a call from my mother.  This is not an abnormal occurrence, however the news was.  A young girl who I went to high school with was killed in a car accident.

"Was she texting?" I asked.
"No," my mother replied.
"Well whose fault was it?"

Is that sad that the accident always has to be someone's fault?  That we are so quick to place blame?  That maybe blaming someone makes it better or less bad?

In reality the young woman was killed by an elderly woman who lost control of the vehicle and hit her as a pedestrian in a parking lot.  & here is where my thought process begins....

Was it God's plan for her to die that way?
With such unexpected and accidental deaths, do you think God knew that was how she would go?
Did it hurt?
Did she die instantly?
Did she see the truck coming?

We'll never know the answers to these questions, but is it bad that deaths are the only times that we ask them?

Later that night I received a text asking if I had heard from my dad that day.  I replied "No, why?", and frantically began worrying about my grandma, my brothers, my dad.  As the messages flowed back and forth I gained knowledge that one of my dad's life-long friends had taken his own life just a day after my family and I had spent the weekend holiday with him.

Suicide is a very touchy subject, one I won't venture too far into because I know if affects a lot of people, and I know people have very strong and varied opinions about it.

However I will say a few things.  Will he get to go to heaven?  Did he have the act planned out?  Did he try to place blame on someone?  What happens to his children, who now have to grow up without their father?

The viewing was tonight and I ran into my dad towards the end as my mother and I were approaching the receiving line.  I have only seen my father cry once before, at the funeral of my Great-Grandma Fagan whom he loved dearly.  Watching my big, burly, strong, fearless dad in such a weak and vulnerable state really shook me up.  It also made me realize how much I take him for granted.  Death has a way of doing that.  My dad and I have not always had the strongest relationship, but who knows when it will be taken from either of us?

This is a reality I'm not ready to face. & even if it's bad to just be reminded of our blessings when others' blessings are taken, I'm considering it a blessing that I was reminded at all.

Here comes goodbye.

Four years ago at this time I was in the summer between my freshman and sophomore years.  Pretty shy, very awkward, I'm almost positive I was in retainers still, and working the same summer job I have now.  I was getting ready to embark on my first year at Senior High Institute (fancy name for church camp).

I was really nervous, one because I had never gone to church camp before, and two because our church had just gotten a new youth pastor, and I hadn't met him yet.

In the Methodist Church, pastors don't get to stay in the same place forever.  They are moved around from area to area, church to church, and to my knowledge they don't have a whole lot of choice in when or where they go.

Alex Hershey was from Monticello, my home town, and his mother was my 6th grade (and favorite) english teacher.  He had grown up here, went to my high school, grown up in our church, and was blessed enough to have the opportunity to move back home and become our new youth pastor.

So, first week on the job, Alex is thrown into taking a small group of high school kids to camp.  I am one of these kids.  We get to Epworth Forest and find out that since our group is so small we have to share a cabin with another church.  I had never been to camp so I didn't realize this would be such an issue...however it turned out to be pretty much a disaster and we ended up leaving the cabin on the last night and all staying up all night in a random lodge playing foursquare and game cube.

This is just one of many times Alex took a non-ideal situation and turning it into a wonderful memory.  In the past four years I have been on countless retreats, ski trips, weeks at camp, and random trips with him and the rest of our youth group and we have become a family.

Because of Alex I accepted Christ.
Because of Alex I have confidence.
Because of Alex I am not ashamed to openly love Jesus.
And because of Alex I have come further in my faith.

He has taught me to strive to live simply, how to be a woman of God, how to play foursquare, and how to be an example for others.

You might be wondering why I decided to dedicate this post to him, four years after he began to make his impact.  Well, remember how I said pastors don't stay in the same place forever?  Alex is leaving.  This was his last Sunday preaching at my church, and let's just say service was a bit more emotional.  All those memories, funny stories, time spent together is going away with Alex and his family and I am at a loss for what to do.

I'm a bit over emotional as it is, but this man has had such a hand in who I have grown to be through high school.  I managed to hold it together pretty well at church, and this afternoon at the reception I knew it was time to leave before I let all the tears out.  But sitting here tonight I have lost it.  What do you do when someone that means so much to you is taken away?  It's not right to give up just because they're gone, but it will be so hard to bond with someone else the way we all have with Alex.

This morning at church our Senior Pastor said something that really made sense to me.  He said that even though it's extremely difficult to watch Alex leave, we wouldn't want it to be easy.  And that is so true.  I and all the other members of our congregation are so blessed to have had the opportunity to make the memories we have with him.  And we are so blessed to have grown and learned from everything he has to offer.  It's time for him to share his awesomeness with his new church, time for him to make such an impact on more people, to change the world even more than he already has.

So, here's to you Alex.  I don't know if you could possibly know how much you have influenced us, but I know you know how much you will be missed and remembered.

Goodness this is sounding like an obituary or something.

We love you, Godspeed, good luck, and stay in touch.

Fear Factor

I know they say texting and driving is deadly, but I think texting can be even more fatal in situations out of the driver's seat.

Mom always says that my friends and I have lost the ability to personally communicate, because we are much more likely to hide behind the protective shield of our cell phones and computer screens. 

 And it's so completely true. 

How many times do you hear of people breaking up over texts?

bullying on the internet?

& even online dating?

Every. Single. Day.

I'm not immune to this electronic illness, however I do realize how my capabilities of confident speaking,  courage, and face-to-face honesty have suffered because of this pandemic.  & in no way am I saying this is okay simply because I am aware I partake.  I am sickened by it.

It's like Adam & Eve.  Do you realize that we would all be walking around this earth naked had they not eaten that fruit and developed embarrassment?  A similar situation is developing with non-personal communication.  We feel safer behind our phones, less fearful when our words are spoken in letters and not sounds exchanged face-to-face.  Just like we feel more comfortable wearing clothes than we do strutting in our birthday suits.

Maybe this is a bad analogy, because I am also not in any way encouraging nudity.  However, I am encouraging honesty. Courage. Guts if you will.

My friends and I joke around about Facebook chatting each other when we're sitting in the same room, but is that the future? 

Will it soon be that the only time people communicate is through some other form of media than their mouths?

I'm definitely not down with that.  So how about you and me grow a pair, buck up and say it to their faces next time.  People are always saying we are the future....maybe we can change it.

Would you like some cheese with that?

I have been told mostly by my mother a few times that I complain too much.

I hate to admit it's true.  I often fail to see the good in situations.  I take a lot for granted.  & I get envious and blow things out of proportion often.

But here's the deal:

It's summer.  I'm stuck at home.  & thanks to my obsession with Facebook and social networking I am constantly in the know of everyone else's rockstar summers.

I WANT THAT. 

I want to go on trips.

I want to be back at Butler for the summer.

I don't want to be working.

I want to go to tons of concerts.

Hang out with tons of friends all the time.

Go to the lake and be useless all day.

After the 50+ hour work week I have had (and am not getting paid overtime for) do I not have the right to whine just a little?

I really struggle to see how people don't have my same problem.  How is no one else incredibly depressed that they are stuck in TouristTown, USA for yet another summer?  How do other kids who don't go on relaxing/fun/free of work vacations deal with the suckiness of the situation?  And why am I the only one who seems to be mad about it?

While it may just seem that there's nothing going on simply because its storming out and I'm already ready for bed after working all day, I would jump at the chance to be sitting back in my sweltering dorm room watching movies and eating crappy food.

So, in lieu of my horrible attitude, I leave you with this,

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

-Ephesians 4:29

in hopes that you might think twice before ranting and raving about your sorrows like I do.