He's got the world on a string.

I'm all for the empowerment of the strong woman, but does any one else notice as often as I do how often the rug of confidence is ripped out from under her feet?  Perhaps it's just me, but many of these pitfalls happen when a guy flips the switch.  He makes one decision he might not even pre-meditate --  with just about as much afterthought, turning a girl's
(maybe not even his girl's)
world upside down.

We've all been there before, where it feels like just when you think you've really got something, that it's really gonna happen, that you're finally gonna get your way and WAABAM negative, ghost-rider.  

Sometimes though it's just the idea of something that could be...met a nice guy tonight, should I friend him on Facebook?  Some thoughts to ponder..

will he think I'm creepy?
am I going to piss of his girlfriend?
do I have anything potentially socially scarring on my profile?

Do you think a guy has these thoughts before he adds us? No. And newsflash, he doesn't think twice about accepting our request either.  I know I'm not the only one who has been the recipient of this friend approval and felt my heart skip a beat, then kept the chat window open while I peruse Facebook just to see if he comes online.  ....This is starting to sound a little 7th grade for my taste.

Then it's the school-girl crush, although I'm not sure why they bear this nick name because I don't think there's any era of women who don't have them.  You see him in the hallway and the butterflies take off.  He asks you to hang out and you're all smiles.  His friends say he mentioned you and you're looking at engagement rings.  But I'm starting to realize ...
(at a pathetically slow rate, I know)
that guys' minds move about 234 mph slower than girls', and that sometimes ...
(while we'd love to think differently while we vent to the bottom of the Phish Food pint) ...
they really truly don't realize that they hold our hearts, our emotions, our happiness, in the palms of their hands.

So why do we do it?  Why have women always been (correctly) typecast as creatures willing to be at the disposal of men, that will never fail to blame themselves when it doesn't work out?  You know it's true, men too!  I dare say the men who do have this figured out even take advantage to avoid any post-relationship drama.

Just to disclaim, I don't want you to take these "boys stink" posts to heart and cast me as some sort of raging feminist, because trust me, I took a class in feminism this past semester and I'm on the opposite end of that spectrum.  But, I just wanted to delve into the depressing reality that has swarmed over me recently.  The reality that sometimes the boys just need to grow up, sometimes the girls just need to move on, and if you want to ever have the chance to be content with your relationship status, you've got to have your own string.

Beware of the Plastics

I'm about sick and tired of fake.  I'm over wealthy.  I've heard enough about losing weight.  The sun is shining on my face, I just took my dog for his first ever jog, and I've got Better than Sex cake cooling in the fridge.  Where are these thoughts coming from?  More like where aren't these thoughts coming from.

So the Bachelorette started Monday, and while I am a fan of the Bachelor series and its signature spin off, I gotta admit the show kinda makes me sick.  A bunch of guys/girls getting shmammered in designer couture, talking smack, and all hooking up with the same person.  Now, while the only difference between this and college is that these people are getting paid...that's besides the point.  Emily is this season's Bachelorette and for a little background she's a single mom, her fiancee died in a tragic plane crash, and she broke the heart of last seasons bachelor after he proposed to her on national television.  Now, she has the hearts of 20-something men in the palm of her hand as we watch these "random" romances begin.

If that weren't enough, when they first interviewed Emily at the start of the season opener, I couldn't help but notice that she looked different.  As the show progressed I caught on to what had changed, Emily is no longer capable of closing her mouth, frowning, or wearing anything below a DD cup.

Since Monday I have been ultra-sensitive to the ever plastic world around me.  & the sad thing is, it's unescapable!

On Pinterest I can't scroll twice without seeing at least 3 sets of 6 pack abs.
Every other commercial on ABC Family is montage to 50 porcelain faced Proactiv users.
The Victoria's Secret fashion holds the standing record for crash diet instigators.
Today, while searching for workout gear at TJ Maxx I couldn't find a single sports bra without pads.

Pause, Rewind.  Yes that's correct folks, now you have the luxury of keeping your perfectly rounded, equally sized breasts even at the gym.  Now, I know I'm among the few young women who aren't really into the push up style, but have you any idea how nearly impossible it is to find a bra without padding?  Snowballing off of that, now half of the swim suit selection boasts 2X your usual cup size.

Why? Where are the real, simple girls? Where are the men who aren't looking for a VS Angel? And while you're at it, where are the regular sports bras?

Goin' Dutch

You may have heard through the hole in the dike, that next semester I along with my dear friend Emily will be studying abroad in Holland, land of the Dutch.  & while I pinky promise there will be a plethora of posts on our travels, this is not one of them.

You don't have to be very close to me to know that I am about as close to the definition of quirky as one can get.  I tend to have thoughts, habits, and preferences that can sometimes be just outside the lines.  One of these strange fascinations that was recently brought back to my attention is my fascination with the Amish.

I don't have the slightest clue why I am so perplexed at their tradition, but for as long as I can remember, my favorite part of any trip to Michigan has been the 20 minute jaunt through Amish country.  

We've all heard tidbits about the seemingly unfathomable values (compared to our Western society) they uphold...

no electricity

no indoor plumbing

conservative dress

facial hair

simplistic living

... & not many people would CHOOSE this life for themselves if they really truly knew what else was out there.  While I probably fall into this category myself, I am teeming with curiosity about what a day in the life of an Amish young woman looks like.

Have you ever heard of those "Amish Experiences"?

You know, where you can road trip up to Lancaster County and live on a real-life Amish farm for the weekend to get a taste of how good you have it?  Well, tonight I spent over an hour Googling such adventures and I have my heart set on setting foot in Amish territory this summer.

The only problem is, I really have no clue where to start searching, and I can't really tell the difference between a scam and a real talk Amish settlement.  But, I'm determined to do it, whether it means venturing out to Pennsylvania or taking a day trip to Shipshewana.  One way or another, Goin' Pennsylvania Dutch is the newest addition to my summer bucket list.

P.S. If you got the metaphor in the first paragraph in this post, 5 gold stars ;)  You might be right up there with me on the quirkometer.

C's get degrees?

If you didn't know, I am officially a junior at Butler University.  My major has changed this past year to Spanish, from Communication Sciences and Disorders.  It's a long story.

Anyway...

Many students (it seems) go to Butler for the pharmacy program.  Because who wouldn't want to be a pharmacist, right?  And among my peers who are studying pharmacy I have gathered that it's pretty difficult work.  I gotta give it to 'em because I know for a fact I couldn't do it.

However, from them I have also learned that not only is getting a 4.0 GPA nearly impossible, it's not necessarily even striven for.  Hence the title of this post:

C's Get Degrees.

The first time I heard this catchy phrase I immediately told mom,

"Hey, why didn't I realize before that grades don't matter in college as long as you end up with a diploma?!"

I won't even delve into her response to save a few quarters from the swear jar...but suffice it to say this actually isn't the case for the average college student.  While different programs hold different levels of difficulty, if you're like me and are a part of the general "Liberal Arts" crowd, your grades definitely do matter.

Which SUCKS.

You know, for as hard as I tried in high school, and as much as I do try now, I'm over it.  I'm not trying to be the CEO of a company, cure cancer, or make a million dollars.  I want to do something that's going to make a difference, without having to worry about working my way to the top first.  I want to learn how to live simply, to earn what I have, and to start from nothing. 

I'm not saying I'm giving up on learning, or trying, but why does it have to be so darn competitive?  Why do so many people care so much about money; making it, spending it, wasting it?

I took 18 credits this semester, had a job, did the sorority life, and had the most stressful 16 weeks ever of my life.  

And you know what?

I'm proud of my 3.7 GPA.

I know I could have given up every square inch of my life to slaving away at the library and probably done better.  But, I also know myself enough to know that my sanity depends on an noncompetitive atmosphere, and I don't care that I'm not going to be the top of my class.

There's more to life than all A's.

There's more to college than a 4.0.

&

There's more people with college degrees that probably got C's, and I have a feeling they're doing just fine.

Don't Hold too Tight

So, I read an interesting link tonight which listed 50 questions that were meant to free your mind.  Questions meant to allow our minds to wander into the realm of what if? why not? & who says?  One of the inquiries got me especially though:

Are you holding on to something that you need to let go of?

In my case I feel like a better question might be, is there ANYTHING you aren't holding onto?

I tend to be a hoarder of feelings, thoughts, and negative energy.  Don't get me wrong, I have gotten much better at seeing the silver lining.  But unfortunately I'm one of those people who frequently sees the bad in things.  That being said, this past semester has held some major tribulations with a delicately hidden silver lining.  Some experiences that instantly came to mind when I read this question.

Relationships.

Aren't easy.

Trust me, I may have not had many...but I definitely have the scar tissue to prove I've played my hand in the Love Game.  I'll spare you the messy details and suffice it to say that I've grown into someone I never could have been without the pain in my past.  The thing is-- I can't let it go.

I've probably heard the phrase, 

"Let go and let God"

about 45,908,345 times this year.  But let me tell you something honey,

easier said than done.

How is it fair, that after the ringer I was put through, that it should just all go away?  All the pain and struggle and heartbreak.  The immature, revenge seeking devil on my left shoulder has it out for anyone who might dare re-open those wounds.  But the calming, level-headed angel on my right is trying to teach me to have trust in God's plan, that everything happens for a reason, and that I shouldn't be looking for love.  That if it's meant to be it will come on its own.

Well that kinda sucks.

If you look up hopeless romantic in the dictionary, my name is listed as the first definition.  Would I get married tomorrow if the opportunity presented itself?

Hell yes I would.

Therein lies the problem... I am holding on so tightly to every mistake I've ever made in a relationship, every potential mistake I could make.  I worry constantly about pleasing others, so that maybe after everyone else is content it will be alright for me to relax and worry about myself.  But nobody's ever happy all at the same time.  And it's ludicrous for me to believe my weak hands could mend the brokenness in the lives of those I care about.  You know in a job interview when they ask you what your weaknesses are?

I care too much.

No, that's not one of those weaknesses that you try to make sound like a positive.  I don't have any care leftover for myself, so I really do suffer.  My sleep suffers when my mind races about encounters from my day.  My grades suffer when I'm more concerned with spending time with my friends.  My anxiety suffers when I don't receive the same level of concern in return.

Perhaps if I could just let go of the pain in my past, let go of my irrational hopes for happily ever after, and let go of my need to please everyone, I could tighten the reigns on the things that really matter.

I could grab ahold of myself, and tackle the problems I actually have the power to fix.

My Legacy

Geez Louise I haven't blogged in ages.  Guess that means this post will be lengthy and difficult to decipher.

My sincerest apologies.

Tonight I spent the evening with one of my greatest friends and we watched the movie Julie & Julia.  (If you haven't seen it you should!)  The storyline follows an ambitious woman who decides to cook her way through Julia Child's cookbook while (wait for it.....) writing a blog depicting each recipe, and simultaneously finding herself through Julia's extraordinary encounters.

So of course my self pitying, zero confidence, worry wart self began thinking....

"What is my 'thing'? ...what is something I could exert innumerable amounts of energy and effort into doing that would subsequently turn me into the epitome of a wonderful human being?"

....hold that thought.

So, as I was walking out to my car I got a little adrenaline rush (this is normal) because it was pitch black, I was alone, and she lives in the woods (kinda).  Then as I got into my car (per usual) I turned around to check the back seat for intruders, and sped out of the cul-de-sac in order to make it home where I could surround myself with lights and sound.

As I began driving down the highway, I encountered a very slow moving, dark colored, beat up vehicle and my fear intensified.  My mind begins racing with horrible fantasies.

What if they turn around and begin following me?

What if they know who I am and have been plotting my abduction?

What if someone is in that car with a weapon and intends to thoughtlessly use it against me?

As dumb as this all sounds, we live in a world where these kinds of things actually do happen.  And whether they be freak accidents or not I once saw an episode of Oprah where a criminal entered a woman's car while she was pumping gas and from then on used her to perform her own kidnapping. 

How do these seemingly unrelated topics coincide?  Well, I then began thinking,

"If it's God's will that I be savagely taken against my will by a clan of lunatics.....will I be satisfied with my accomplishments?"

Ahhh....the classic question, what would you change if you knew it was your last day?

What is one thing you'd do if you knew it'd be the last thing you ever did?

& my addition, Why aren't we all doing these things now?

While I don't know exactly what I could or should or would be doing as opposed to anything I am, I do know it wouldn't be cooking.  But what could I be doing to make myself a better person?  To make myself a better Me?  Or simply to make myself happy and excited to live this life I have, no matter how short it may turn out to be?

I've got some ideas floating around up there....

crafting..

volunteering..

studying...?

I just don't want to feel like any of my time has been wasted.  And most of all I want to feel like I have made a lasting contribution.  A legacy.  I want to know what passion feels like.  And I'm going to make THAT my mission.

So...sorry for the randomness and ridiculosity of the extremely opposite natures of my tidbits.  But hopefully I may have sparked a thought in your mind, and maybe you have some insight for me on how to be who I want to be.

All Good Things Must Come to an End

This week has been a crazy one.  Filled with accidents, purposes, and tragedies.  This week has been filled with moments and events that have made me really think.  & I would like to get some of those thoughts off my chest.

Earlier this week I received a call from my mother.  This is not an abnormal occurrence, however the news was.  A young girl who I went to high school with was killed in a car accident.

"Was she texting?" I asked.
"No," my mother replied.
"Well whose fault was it?"

Is that sad that the accident always has to be someone's fault?  That we are so quick to place blame?  That maybe blaming someone makes it better or less bad?

In reality the young woman was killed by an elderly woman who lost control of the vehicle and hit her as a pedestrian in a parking lot.  & here is where my thought process begins....

Was it God's plan for her to die that way?
With such unexpected and accidental deaths, do you think God knew that was how she would go?
Did it hurt?
Did she die instantly?
Did she see the truck coming?

We'll never know the answers to these questions, but is it bad that deaths are the only times that we ask them?

Later that night I received a text asking if I had heard from my dad that day.  I replied "No, why?", and frantically began worrying about my grandma, my brothers, my dad.  As the messages flowed back and forth I gained knowledge that one of my dad's life-long friends had taken his own life just a day after my family and I had spent the weekend holiday with him.

Suicide is a very touchy subject, one I won't venture too far into because I know if affects a lot of people, and I know people have very strong and varied opinions about it.

However I will say a few things.  Will he get to go to heaven?  Did he have the act planned out?  Did he try to place blame on someone?  What happens to his children, who now have to grow up without their father?

The viewing was tonight and I ran into my dad towards the end as my mother and I were approaching the receiving line.  I have only seen my father cry once before, at the funeral of my Great-Grandma Fagan whom he loved dearly.  Watching my big, burly, strong, fearless dad in such a weak and vulnerable state really shook me up.  It also made me realize how much I take him for granted.  Death has a way of doing that.  My dad and I have not always had the strongest relationship, but who knows when it will be taken from either of us?

This is a reality I'm not ready to face. & even if it's bad to just be reminded of our blessings when others' blessings are taken, I'm considering it a blessing that I was reminded at all.