Why Au Pairing was nothing I expected, yet everything I needed

I spent this past year living and working in Spain as an English Language and Culture Assistant.  About half of the way through what was supposed to be only a 10-month adventure, I decided I was going to extend my stay in Spain for at least one more year.  Then, I decided that it was a good idea to spend the majority of my summer in Spain as well to try and save some money.  I began looking into potential summer jobs and came across Au Pairing. 

Previously, I had made a vow to myself that I would never be a nanny.  I couldn’t do it; I don’t have the patience to babysit all day long for days on end, I don’t like cleaning up after someone else’s kids or any of the various tasks I thought being a nanny entailed.  However, I told myself that maybe with a European spin on it, Au Pairing wouldn’t have to be nannying.  Maybe, though, I was just desperate to land a job so I could spend the summer of my dreams in Spain.

Whatever the case, I signed up to be an Au Pair in Galicia, Spain and was soon placed with a family with three children ages: 12, 10 and 6.  We had only two Skype interviews in the spring before I moved into their family home in a small town outside of Coruña, Galicia, at the end of June.  I chose Galicia instead of Madrid for a few reasons, the most important of which was that my boyfriend would be there and we could spend our free time together.

The first few days were hard.  Having just come from living 10 months with complete and total independence to moving in with a family who A) I didn’t know, and B) barely spoke my language, was a major transition, and I am terrible at transitions.  Emotional, stressed, just truly ugly with the whole idea of change.  What had I gotten myself into?!  That first week I sat down with the parents and we discussed what the expectations for the summer would be for all of us. 

Essentially, they expected me to spend the mornings with the children, provide a one-hour English “class” with each of them individually each day, and then of course just be a respectful houseguest.  My expectations were nothing, I actually had no idea what to expect.  They knew that my boyfriend was in town and explained that my weekends would be totally free to spend with him, and I could have my afternoons free as well if I desired.  This, however, I was totally not expecting!  I was excited to be gaining back some of the independence I thought was gone for the summer, but assured them that I would only want or take one afternoon a week off.  After all, another reason I had for working as an Au Pair was to gain some cultural and language experience and “being part of the family” was just the way to do it.

I could never have imagined how much I truly would become part of their family.  When at first I was a little shy and definitely too timid to try to speak to them in Spanish, I now find myself using Spanish without even thinking.  The first few days when I would simply turn on the children’s lights and tap them to wake them up in the morning, I now jump into their beds and tickle them until they can’t stand it.  I went from freezing at the sound of “but my mom let’s me do it” to confidently enforcing a 3-second rule to get the children to do what I need them to do.  We’ve laughed together, we’ve cried together, we’re family.

I think the thing that really brought us close together was spending a week on vacation, camping.  They were so welcoming to even invite my boyfriend to tag along for the first weekend, and they treated him just like family too.  It meant so much to me to watch him interact with these people who have become my family, and for him to also recognize what a wonderful family they are.

After he left on Sunday, we spent the days on the beach, at the pool, playing football and paddle, and the nights in a giant tent all-together.  Then, on Wednesday I received some stressful news: an important document I had sent by mail to Madrid (over a month ago) had been returned to our house in Coruña. 

Now, I am no stranger to being screwed over by Spanish bureaucracy, but I still began to feel extremely anxious and upset over this news, especially because I wouldn’t be able to take any action until we arrived home on Saturday.  However, with the help of my “parents” I was able to make some calls, arrange a few things and get the ball rolling to fix the situation.  Of course this wasn’t the end of the paperwork complications (as in Spain in never is), and it wasn’t the end of their help and support either.  Without them, and another dear friend in Madrid, I wouldn’t have been able to hold it together to finally sort out the problem yesterday.

Now here we are with just two weeks left together before I head home to the States and tears have already been shed.  We’ve been spending more time laughing together, more time around the dinner table at night laughing and playing games, and finishing up our bedtime story of the summer, Stuart Little.  Our final project of the summer will be to create a scrapbook together!

While I’m no doubt going to be sad to leave, and I’m pretty sure they’re going to be sad to see me go, I’m confident that we will see each other again soon.  They will make a trip to Madrid in the fall, and any time I come up to Coruña to visit my boyfriend’s family I will give them a call.  There’s even talk of next summer… but we’ll see about that ;)

Some might think 23-years-old is too old to be an Au Pair, and sometimes I had this thought too; but now I think this was the perfect time to have such a life-changing experience.  I understand more of what I value in family, I am 100% more confident in my Spanish level, and surprisingly I have gained new independence in myself that I will take with me into my second year as an ex-pat.  I may still be far indebted to my student loans, no closer to professional “career” and still unsure of exactly what I want to do with my life, but right now I feel okay with all that, I feel content and excited about what’s to come.

Where've ya been?

A friend brought to my attention this week that in one of my blog posts at the beginning of my time in Spain I mentioned that I would be blogging all the time... that was my last post... that post was written in October.  Life happens I guess!

It's not that I haven't been wanting to write, actually quite the opposite, I've been longing to.  It's more that I've had so much to write about, and just not known how to properly express or give justice to the thoughts I've been having, the feelings I've been feeling.

Not until this evening.

So, bear with me if it's not up to the usual post you always "love to read" but I've been dying to get something out there and tonight I just can't hold it in any longer, I've got to break this writer's block.

Before I left for Spain, for about a year and a half actually, I was heavily involved in The Branches Community Church, a church plant in the Avon/Hendricks County area of Indianapolis.  The Branches started from the ground up with a mixture of people from my hometown church, people from the Indy area, and really whoever God lead to us.

So, coming from such a tight and energized community mixed with the trauma that happened shortly before I left for Spain, getting connected to a church community in Madrid was the top priority on my list.  I did some research beforehand and actually met someone in orientation who was willing to check some places out with me.  We did, and we found an international small group through Oasis Madrid, an international church in the heart of the city.  Even though I started going to small group and making relationships with some awesome people... life happened again.

I'm going to be completely honest here and I'm a bit scared to do so, but I didn't actually go to a church service at Oasis until about February.  And then I didn't go again until last weekend.  I took a hard fall from where I was at the end of the summer and I was broken and bruised.

Even through this time, I continued to go to small group and meet up with some of the girls outside of group.  I was connected, but only as much as I wanted to (or thought I wanted to) be.  I kept a bit of a wedge between myself and anyone I (realize now) could have developed a meaningful relationship with.

I've always had a bit of a problem being afraid of missing out on something that could be better. That, even if it's not exactly something I want to be doing, I need to do it or I'm going to regret it or miss out on something everyone will be talking about later.  Then, two weeks ago I went with Oasis to a little town in the mountains of Madrid for a weekend retreat where we worshipped, laughed, connected, even cried, and I had an earthquake of an epiphany-- THIS was what I'd actually been missing out on.

It was a bittersweet realization, I had essentially wasted loads of time worrying and stressing over missing out on everything when I actually was missing out all along.  I had truly been yearning to be filled up with the spirit and fellowship that I found in those 3 days.  Maybe I was hardened because I didn't think anything could take the place of my church community back home, which then turned into complacence and a sort of acceptance of mediocrity.  And once I had forgone church for so many weeks, I felt guilty and ashamed and embarrassed and was even more afraid to try to go halfway through my time here.

I hope that every person has the opportunity to feel the kind of acceptance I felt when I opened up and let myself be vulnerable that weekend.

Since then, the past two weeks have taken a complete 180 in terms of my attitude and perspective of my time here.  I made strong relationships with incredible people and I get to continue these relationships for (at least) another whole year!  I have a newfound courage to do things and make decisions that are what I really want to do and I haven't missed out on a single thing.  I can honestly tell a difference when teachers ask how my weekend was and the past weeks I've been able to really look back and say I did a bunch of meaningful and life-giving things.

Then, tonight I went with four girls from small group to a Tennessee couple's piso for dinner and fellowship and I actually had to hold myself from tears just from feeling so overwhelmingly loved and cared for.  These people were strangers to me at 6:30 and by 11 when we left I felt like we'd been friends for a long time.  They wanted to hear our stories and they just poured love of the spirit into us, they encouraged me so much.  They were just those kind of people that you're drawn to.  They were so kind and open and welcoming, you just don't get that very often.  I am so thankful to have this opportunity to continue learning from them.

But most importantly, I am so thankful that God put it on the hearts of girls at small group to tell me that they missed seeing me for a couple of weeks, because that pushed me to make sure I went every week, which pushed me to find out about and sign up for the retreat, which pushed me closer to God and to the person I really am and want to be.

Don't be confused by this and wonder why I've been telling you I'm so happy and feeling like I belong here if I've truly been feeling a bit disconnected.  None of that has been untrue, if anything this is just enhancing my happiness and assurance that this is where I'm supposed to be right now.

Rest easy my friends, the best is yet to come.

That one time I went to the doctor in Spain.

I should start off this story with saying that while yes, Ebola has made its way to Spain, and yes this discovery hit the news the same day I went to the doctor in Spain, no I am not infected with Ebola. 

That being said, I begin. For about the last week or so the late nights and vacation-like schedule have been taking their toll on my immune system to the point where on Monday my throat was so sore and swollen I couldn't even turn my head without pain and discomfort. After suffering through the school day I decided it was high time I try out the spanish healthcare system.  Our CIEE orientation prepared me for how and where to make an appointment, so I called "Hospiquality" and headed to my appointment later that evening.

The hospital had a wonderful and very kind international team who helped me fill out paperwork, and lead me to the waiting room where I was assured I would be taken care of promptly.  CIEE participants are taken care of very well at this facility, I had been informed at orientation.

However, as I sat in the waiting room for the first half hour I began to have déjà vu to every single time I go to the doctor at home, and even though I've made an appointment well in advance, I always seem to wait at least an hour once I get there. I tried to be patient as patient after patient entered the waiting room after me, and saw the doctor before me but after another young american girl was in and out in 10 minutes I lost it. I politely told the doctor that I had been waiting for over an hour, and if he knew why I hadn't been seen yet.  Then things got weird.

He told me I wasn't on his list, then proceeded to call the international correspondent upstairs where he actually yelled at her for 5 minutes about a mistake she had made with registering me for my appointment. I was then ushered back downstairs where the "nurse" told me I would have to be helped in the emergency room because at this point the doctors offices were about to close. And cue tears.

I wasn't sad as much as I was just frustrated and in a lot of pain. Plus, I know how the ER works in the United States and sore throat definitely comes in at the bottom of the totem pole of emergency conditions. Crying was probably the best thing I could have done though, because I totally freaked the nurse out and she got me into the ER doctor right away. I explained my symptoms and he prescribed me some antibiotics and a cortisone shot, for the swelling in my throat.  At first I thought this sounded a little extreme and I was leery, but I would have tried witchcraft at that point so I went with it, assuming it would be a small stick in the shoulder no harm no foul. 

So imagine my confusion when the male ER nurse pulls the privacy curtain and instructs me to put my hands on the bed, slide my pants down, and bend over. Surely I was being punked, right?  Sure enough he took that SOB and stuck it right in my left buttock. I have 2 theories as to why they gave me this shot of cortisone: the first, to put me in more pain than I was already in to serve as some sort of sick distraction, the second to actually alleviate the swelling. Either way I was confused and slightly mortified, but I was treated and I could finally pay my bill and head to the pharmacy on my way home. They made me a follow up appointment for tonight with an ear nose and throat specialist, so even though I'm feeling a million times better hopefully I'll be good to go in a few more days.  And so help me if they tell me to drop my drawers again I'm going to tell them they can stick it up theirs cause that sucker hurt!!

Everything's gonna be alright

I've decided that since I set up an account to send mass e-mail updates about my time in Spain, that I'm going to try to keep my blog entries as they usually are-- just snippets of thoughts on life and how I'm living it.  Spain may or may not make appearances, but if you're looking for the play-by-play, turn to the e-mail updates!

On that note, it feels good to be writing again!  I've had a hard time sleeping the past couple nights because my mind has just been racing... especially given everything that's happened recently and just the fact that, hello I picked up and moved across the world.  So feeling kind of disoriented should be normal, right?  But then why does it feel like I'm the only one who feels this way?

When I first arrived, the first few people I met in the airport were the orientation guides who were in my shoes last year and then decided to extend their contract with CIEE for another round.  I've always known this was an option, and people always joke that I'll never come back, but I've always felt like this was just an opportunity and adventure that I needed and wanted to take, but there has never been any question that I would come home.

Anyway, a few of the directors and staff who actually work in Madrid for CIEE have been here for years and have no plans of returning back to the States.  I commend them for their bravery, and I understand everyone has their own reasons for staying, but I feel like I'm almost not letting myself fully get comfortable here because I don't want to get THAT comfortable.  I don't want to come to a point where I would consider not going back to my family and friends.  Is that bad?

And I'm so frustrated, you know?  I just want to have it all figured out.  I want God's plan to be revealed, like now.  I'm horrible at being patient, and I often wonder if I'm being taught a lesson in patience with the way things seem to never work out or at least not how I intended.  I applied for this job on a whim, along with a slew of other jobs I wasn't qualified for and this was the one I got.  And I'm overjoyed and grateful and ecstatic to be here-- obviously I didn't have to accept the position or pay the money or any of that, so don't take this to mean that I don't want to be here.  I do.

It's just that, I really thought everything was really getting started.  I was going to go on this adventure, get the experience I needed to apply for jobs back home, come back in a year and start my adult life and I was excited and I was ready and then I was reminded- God's timing isn't my timing, and timing is everything.  It's really a horrible feeling being frustrated with God, feeling so disconnected, so far away, and knowing that part of that is because I'm harboring anger towards Him because I really thought the plan was finally starting.

But then I put the pity party on hold for 5 seconds, and I realize the plan's been happening all along.

FAQ's on Spain

Here is where I wave my white flag to the "List of ___ things for ___ days left.." which, in my defense was fabulous in theory, however horrifying in execution.  It was fun while it lasted, but unfortunately trying to fit a year's worth of stuff into a 100 lb. weight restriction takes precedence over hours of blogging.  

Why, you ask, am I spending time blogging now?  Just hours before I depart for the journey of a lifetime, would you believe my 2 checked luggage backs are sealed and weighed, ready to go!  Hell yeah! 

So now, as I watch Jimmy Fallon's thank you's, I would like to take this opportunity to answer some hot hot hot FAQ's for all the curious cats who will be following my journey!  If you have any other questions that I don't answer here, feel free to e-mail/text/snail mail me and I'd love to send you a personal message!

FAQ 1:  How long will you be in Spain?

Answer: 10 months

FAQ 2:  What will you be doing in Spain?

Answer:  Teaching English to the impressionable Spanish youth

FAQ 3:  Where are you going to live while you're there?

Answer:  Somewhere in and/or around Madrid, the exact location is to be determined, however thank you to Facebook and good ol' Delta Gee, I have found a fabulous girl to apartment hunt with and we have made a pact to not be homeless!   

FAQ 4:  Why are you going to teach English in Spain?  Why not teach English or Spanish here in the States?

Answer:  Spain is more fun.  But really, I'm not qualified to teach here in the States and quite honestly I'm not going to Spain because I necessarily want to be a teacher.  I'm going to Spain because it's an incredible experience and in order to apply for any job here I must have acquired some sort of unidentified experiences... so here's to hoping moving to Spain counts as experience.

FAQ 5:  How do you pack for an entire year?

Answer:  That is a great question!  You bring 2 suitcases, you pay extra for this, and you take out everything you think is cute but realistically haven't worn in the past 4 seasons.

FAQ 6:  Will you be getting paid?

Answer:  Yes.  I'll earn 1,000 euros/month.  From this stipend I will budget for my rent/living expenses and travel/fun expenses, so to answer your next question...

FAQ 7:  Will you come home with any money saved up?

Answer:  Absolutely not.

FAQ 8:  Are you going to come home at all during the next 10 months?

Answer:  Are you going to buy my plane ticket?

FAQ 9:  Is anyone going to come visit you in Spain?

Answer:  I hope so!  I have quite a few friends who are seriously considering making the journey, and after my previous stint across the pond I have a few foreign friends I'll be hooking up with too!  Christmas in Germany sounds just lovely!

FAQ 10:  Are you nervous/anxious/excited/scared?

Answer:  Yes.  All of the above.  I'm anxious because I don't know what to expect, however I'm at ease for the same reason because less expectations means less opportunity to be disappointed or caught off guard.

I hope this makes up for the lack of lists over the past few days!  I cannot believe the time is finally here for me to leave and do this thing!  It seems like just yesterday I was applying for this opportunity thinking "What a longshot!"  Now here I am about to drop it all and blaze my own trail.  But please, don't take this as overconfidence or think that I'm up on my high horse leading the parade, because I'm FREAKING OUT.  

As always I'm so grateful and appreciative for your thoughts and prayers, thank you in advance for following my adventures and I look forward to catching everyone up sometime next week!

¡Adios!

la semana ultima

Well, clearly I couldn't keep up with the blogging every day for 10 days thing... so here is my list of 8 things...I'll come up with something creative for 7 and 6 tomorrow when it's not 12:15 and I've had a cup or 5 of coffee!

I tried to feel around for ideas of what these lists could be, the suggestions were foods I'm going to miss and foods I'm going to eat so suffice it all to say I am obviously a foodie.  And I chose neither of these options for either of today's lists.  My apologies.

For my 8 days left list I want to share 8 important things I learned this summer.  About life, about God, and about myself.  This summer was epic, as you know, and I want to articulate (probably more for my own benefit down the road than anyone else's) how grateful and blessed I am for every experience I've had in the past 4 months.  So, here we go with...

8 important lessons I learned this summer 

In no particular order

How much I value my experiences and education from Butler- 

even though I'm terrified of the extensive amount of student-loan-debt I acquired, the tears I shed as I left my senior house and my dear friends and roommates after graduation were truly the first time I can remember just crying because I was so filled with love and sadness at the same time.  This summer was a summer of lots of these types of cries.

The importance of working in the food industry- 

whether you're flipping patties, brewing java, or serving 10 pound trays of $20 steaks, everyone should work in the food/customer service world at some point in life.  It is hard.  I loved it probably just because I love talking to people.. including strangers.. but this summer I worked harder than I ever have, sweated more than anyone ever should in public, and most importantly I know how to serve a customer and be a great customer.  Both of which are super important.

Go on adventures-- even if you think you don't want to-

 funny enough, Spain isn't going to be the first time I was apprehensive about taking an adventure this summer.  When I signed up to be a counselor at Camp Adventure back in March I was pumped to get to spend a week in the "wilderness".  But, as the week drew closer I honestly was dreading it.  I knew 1 person going into the week, and all of a sudden realized I had sacrificed my only week of vacation from my job, to barely shower and hang out with 100 junior high kids.  

It was one of the best weeks of my life.  I was able to totally and completely be myself, let my guard down, and just love Jesus in one of my favorite places on earth; not only this, but I know that the hand of God had placed me in that system of support for our family's tragedy that would happen at the end of the week.

How good it feels to laugh until you cry- 

I am truly blessed to have such beautiful, talented, and hilarious friends.  It's so important to surround yourself not only with people that lift you up and support you, but who also bring out that raw, tear-streaming smile that only comes from a good gut laugh.  Watching The Heat will also accomplish this goal if no friends are around.

Tell people how much they mean to you- 

after graduating college and now getting ready to leave home for a year I have had to say some hard goodbyes.  I have always felt that I express myself better in writing than spoken word, but before I leave I am making a point to reach out in some way to those who have influenced my life, so that they know they are loved.  For me, nothing is more precious than an unexpected note or shout-out from a friend, so I love having the chance to do that for others.

Spend time reading- 

I know actually finding time to read for pleasure is difficult, but I have tried hard this summer to budget time for reading, and crossing books off my "to-read" list is such a great feeling!!  I recommend: Gone Girl, Blue Like Jazz, and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (obviously).

Don't let your happiness depend on other people-

easier said than done, and probably one you think is a no-brainer, but time and time again I learn this lesson the hard way.  As a people pleaser, I take rejection very personally an am ultra-sensitive to other people's happiness or unhappiness.  I think I've gotten better at being in charge of my happiness, but it never hurts to be reminded that YOU are the one who chooses to be happy.  Don't let others make that decision for you.

Let your worship be between just you and God-

this might seem to come out of nowhere, but in lieu of my awesome camp experience this summer... 

I have always kind of been uncomfortable in situations where people would close their eyes and raise their hands during a worship service.  Then, one morning before the campers arrived, one of the worship leaders stressed how worship should be an intimate moment between you and God, and how closing your eyes can help to close out the world and not worry about what others around you are doing or seeing.  Taking his advice, I have been able to truly be present in worshiping WITH God. Because when I close my eyes it's just He and I and in those moments no one else matters.

There you have it!  Come back tomorrow for something fun!  We're in the home-stretch y'all!

For lack of a better title...

While brainstorming how I would present this post, I had planned on using the title "The Final Countdown" only to realize that I used that title for my last blog post... so that's awkward.

So we're down to the single digits!  I leave for Spain in 9 days and about 2 hours!  Leading up to this point I've been trying to pack in as many visits, favorites, and special moments as possible.  And I had intended to do some kind of correspondence each day for the final 10 days before I left.  Obviously all the other things got in the way of starting this correspondence yesterday, so today I'm taking a break from half-assed packing and making up for the loss! 

I'm going to compile 10 lists, each list comprised of the same number of items as the number of days I have before I leave.  Kinda dorky.. but whatever!  I want to show and share my appreciation and apprehension in a creative way.

10 things I will miss about my life in the USA. 

1. My family and friends- thankfully some of whom will be making the trek across the pond to visit, and a few of whom are already there waiting for me!
2. Driving- I'm beginning to remember the anxiety that can come from relying on and planning around public transportation
3. Peanut butter- but don't worry, I've already got a jar packed.  That's no lie.
4. Craft beer- fall seasonal craft beers are my absolute favorite, I've got to chug as many pumpkin/cinnamon/apple pie beers as I can in the next week and a half.
5. Ice- I know it sounds weird, but if you've been to Europe you know that they are very stingy with their ice.  It doesn't help that I prefer a more-ice-than-drink ratio.  Thank goodness for the Ice Bucket Challenge.
6. This is actually harder than I thought it'd be.. maybe moving to Spain won't be so difficult after all.....
7. My bed time- the night lifestyle in Spain is infamous for lasting until the wee hours of the morning, and if you know me at all you know how much I value sleep.. all hail the siesta!
8. My sewing machine- I'm trying to come up with as many travel-friendly crafts as I can, but sadly I just don't thing I'm going to be able to justify stuffing my Singer into my suitcase.
9. The Branches- even though I plan to find a church to go to in Madrid, it is going to be so hard to be away from my church family in Hendricks County.  I can't wait to see the growth in our church when I return!
10. My cat- while living at home all summer hasn't exactly been my dream come true, I am going to miss having my Stripey cat to snuggle every now and then.  Do they have cats in Spain?

9 things I promise to do while in Spain.

1. Go back to Amsterdam- in the spring, to see the tulips, for Emily's birthday and Easter.
2. Spend time exploring Spain- when I was living in the Netherlands I didn't do much traveling around the actual Netherlands.. not that there would have been a whole lot else to see besides windmills and Amsterdam, but I want to take time to really delve into the culture of Spain.
3. Blog- people keep asking if I'm going to blog about my journey.. you betcha!  
4. Go to the mountains- I'm not bringing a backpacking backpack for nothing!  Outdoors here I come!
5. Focus on myself- not in a selfish way, but this experience is one for me to really figure myself out and what I want to do with the rest of my life and career.  This trip is about me being me and I won't forget that.
6. Not cut my hair- not that you may care... but mark my words I will have long luscious locks when I return in July.
7. Learn how to make paella- and sangria!  Tapas at my place!
8. Not count down the days til I come home- even though it will be hard, I've got to look forward to each day I GET to spend in Madrid, not each day I have to.  This is one of my only regrets from my time in Amsterdam, I blame it on the rain.
9. Get in shape- there will be no pants ripping incidents this time.  Period.

So what do you think?  Lame?  You know with all the world rocking that's been going on lately I just wanted to do something different for a change.  I haven't quite come up with what my next 8 lists will be, so if you have any suggestions I will welcome them!  Can't wait to see what tomorrow's list will be!  Adios!

The Final Countdown

I can hardly believe that in exactly one month, 30 days, I will be jet-setting across the Atlantic to my new home in Madrid, Spain.  This doesn't seem real!  Given everything that's been going on in my life with Joseph's accident, quitting my job, and finishing up my TEFL Certification I have barely had time to breathe, let alone try to get ready for this adventure.  There are so many unknowns in my life right now, but what I do know is that I am officially (literally bought my ticket 10 minutes ago) going to Spain.  By myself.  For 10 months.  Woof.

Three weeks ago my world got turned upside down.  And while part of me feels selfish saying that because I know so many dear friends who have gone through excruciatingly traumatic experiences worse than ours, this is the first tragedy I have faced that I was old enough to understand and endure.

I was taking a week off work, enjoying my time fueling my faith at camp and meeting some pretty incredible people when I learned that we're all one phone call from our knees.  Every day since then has been a stopwatch on steroids.  Time just flies by.  Five seconds ago I was confident that I would be here to help Joseph be back to school and on his way to normal just in time to leave for my trip.  I had 6 weeks, still no visa, and plenty of time to pick a flight and still make the budget.

But then life happened.  Again.

I can honestly say that everything that has happened in the past three weeks is something to which I could retort with, "That happens sometimes but it's not going to happen to us.."  But it did.  We thought we were going home.. infection.  We had everything ready for tomorrow.. inpatient physical therapy.

And it's so so hard because as an adult, I can foresee that there IS an INCREDIBLE future ahead for this little boy.  But as a 9-year-old, Joseph thinks he's dying.  He's never felt this kind of pain.  He's never gone 3 weeks without a bath.  He's never been confined to 4 walls of a 12 foot by 12 foot room in a motorized bed fit with bedpan.  It's so hard for me to see him so upset and discouraged and fearful of the future he doesn't even think he has.

So many people have shared awe-inspiring stories of incredible feats accomplished by people using prosthetic limbs.  Things you or I could never even dream of doing.  But how do you explain to a kid that these things are possible?  I have this dark corner in my mind where I wonder, what if Joe becomes so depressed and so discouraged that he DOES let this debilitate his future, his potential?  How do you keep pushing someone who: A) doesn't want to do what you're trying to make them do, and B) as Joseph would tell you, "just had their foot cut off by a lawn mower"

You literally cannot argue with that.

And then here I am, part of me trying to help, hanging out with Johnny, making trips to Riley, making sure the pets are alive.  But then part of me is planning to spend 10 months, nearly a year, 4,000 miles away from my family, who is just entering the eye of this storm.  So many things running through my thoughts, my dreams, my nightmares.  I tell the same stories to the same people over and over again because I honestly can't even remember most of the thoughts I have when I have them.  I'm trying to squeeze so much into this brief blip of time, and on top of that I can't help but feel a bit guilty for leaving.

If you know me, you know that I believe that everything happens for a reason.  I think one of the positives to come from this accident is that I have had an opportunity I would have never had to grow closer to my brother, John.  With the age difference and other differences here and there I know that we wouldn't have had this chance under "normal" circumstances.  Now I also don't want you to misconstrue this to mean that I think what happened had to happen so I could deepen my relationships with my family.  Because that's just not true.  I simply mean that, as I've said before, the only way to move on and adapt to what's happened is to think of the positives.

So here are some more positives to leave you with:

1. I truly have the most supportive, caring family and friends ever.  Thank you.
2. I have become an expert on making Johnny do things around the house so I don't have to.
3. I have successfully made Joseph laugh on numerous occasions in the past week.
4. I have the opportunity of a lifetime to embark on in 4 short weeks, and I'm confident that this is what God has planned for me to do.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, cards and meals, and especially hugs.  We need 'em now more than ever!

The "new normal"

As many of you probably know, my family experienced a serious emergency last Thursday.  I wanted to write this post to provide an explanation for anyone who wants to know what happened but didn't want to ask, but mostly for the hundreds of loving souls who have been praying for my family endlessly these past few days, so that they would know their prayers have been and are being answered.

While I was away volunteering as a counselor at Camp Adventure, my 9-year-old brother Joseph was in a lawn mower accident where his right foot was damaged beyond repair.  After being air-lifted to Riley Hospital for Children in Indianapolis, he underwent a surgery where the majority of his right foot was removed.

I decided it was best for me to stay my final night at camp instead of returning home right away because honestly I don't think it would have been safe for me to drive for 4+ hours in the emotional state I was in.  We'll come back to this part later...

On Saturday afternoon, a family who went through pretty much the exact same situation with their son, Jace, came to visit Joseph.  Jace's accident had happened 2 years ago when he was 5-years-old, and he too had been treated at Riley.

I truly believe Jace and his parents are angels.  

They explained what they had gone through, and just hearing them share our pain, shock, and fear helped to relieve these same feelings.  Jace showed us his prosthetic leg, decorated with the Duck Commander logo, and showed us how fast he could run.. yes RUN.. around our room.  We asked them question after question and they graciously  answered us with honesty and compassion.  I could physically feel stress being lifted off my shoulders when Jace told us that all the kids at school loved him just the same if not more with his "robo-leg".  Even though there will be rough times ahead, they assured us that we are more scared than Joe is and that he will be back at it in no time.

Yesterday morning Joseph underwent surgery for a partial amputation, where the surgeon removed about the bottom third of his leg.  We learned this was necessary because in order to fit a prosthetic, they need a certain amount of bone, and the size of the bones at his ankle just weren't enough to fit a prosthetic. Johnny was excited to get to spend the night at the hospital last night with his brother, and even though he feels terrible about Joe's leg, he knows the accident was not his fault.

At this point the doctors are working toward being able to manage Joseph's pain orally so we can take him home in the next few days!  He has made improvements every hour of every day, today he was even walking in a walker.  God has been present through this entire trauma, and he's not leaving any time soon.  Johnny even said the other day, the profoundly wise 11-year-old that he is, that God knew this was going to happen before Joe was even born so He knows were going to get through this and that Joe will be O.K.

Isn't it troubling that sometimes it takes a tragedy to get us to believe in the power of prayer?  You hear it all the time, please pray for... but how often do we truly, honestly stop and cry out for the pain or needs of others who ask for prayer?

I can't fathom the amount of prayer Joseph and my family have received these past few days-- but I have felt it.

The strength and calm I felt over the weekend was not my own, it was from my protector, and it was a result of prayer.  When I fell to my knees on the phone with my mom Thursday afternoon, I was instantly covered in prayer by fellow counselors and directors at camp.  The kindness and grace shown by these people that I hardly knew was unlike any love I've ever felt before.  Unconditional.  And it came from God.

My entire family received messages, calls, and just encouragement from people we hadn't heard from in years.  The outpouring of support and love was and still is unbelievable, my only hope now is that it will continue.  Life didn't stop when Joe's accident happened, but it did change.  Now more than ever we need your prayers, love and support as we learn how to live our "new normal".  A lot of things are going to be different, but Joseph is going to be the best he ever was when he's back on his feet.  Positive attitudes are the only option for us at this point, and we won't accept defeat.

I am confident that Joseph is going to be able to do everything he ever could do and more, and to anyone who believes anything different...

Well, let's just say bless your heart.

If you ever plan on eating at a restaurant again in your life...

What I'm here to say in this post is important, and needs to be learned by nearly every single person ever.

That is, unless they have ever been a waitress.

I have worked as a waitress for just over a year now in three different restaurants, and even though I don't have major experience, I have learned a thing or two about the restaurant industry.  But maybe more importantly about the customer service industry, and how we the people are epically failing those who work to serve us.  So whether you agree with what I'm saying or not, whether you've ever been a waitress, or ever worked in a customer service position, it's my hope that you will pass this message (or one like it) along to those in your life who you would hate to have their food spit in, not that that ever actually happens....

Ok so first let's think of the reasons why you go out to eat:

It's the weekend, you want to let loose and have some fun!

You're out to celebrate.

You just love the food and atmosphere of your favorite restaurant.

Family get togethers.

Random date night.

Whatever the case may be, you make the choice to go out to eat wherever you want for a reason, right?

Now, you get there and there's a wait.. well that shouldn't really come as a surprise because this is the best restaurant in town.  I mean, why else would YOU come here to eat?  The food is delicious, the atmosphere is enjoyable, it shouldn't come as a shock that other people think so too!

But here is where the dining experience often takes a plummeting pitfall.  You don't want to wait.  You shouldn't have to wait.  You're hungry.  You've got other things to do.  How much longer is this going to take.

You FINALLY get seated and your server seems a bit flustered.  The place is packed and they're setting up the band for the live music show.  All you want is a soda, beer, salad.  Where is my waitress?!

Let's hop outside your brain for a minute and consider the other people involved here.   First, the kitchen staff.  Those guys are working their tails off, in a likely sweltering kitchen, with hot, sharp equipment and orders coming in like crazy.  They have been at it for 6 hours now, the dinner rush just coming on.  Move outside the kitchen and there are the serving staff.  Pacing quickly to table after table, smiling, filling drinks, taking orders, answering to every beck and call.  Doing the best job they can given the kitchen back-up and hindered mobility around the restaurant due to the large crowd.

Okay back into your brain, it makes sense that you would be slightly antsy when you finally get seated and naturally you're thinking that your waiter has been waiting for you just as long as you've been waiting for them.  Ah, but patience grasshopper.  You're not the first table they've served tonight, and you won't be the last.  They have to provide excellent service to tens maybe hundreds of customers tonight.  So how do you think you would feel when in the middle of all this running around and people pleasing and trying to keep orders and salads and drinks straight, a customer begins to complain about how slow things seem to be moving?

Hold on because this right here is the important point I was talking about earlier!  It is NOT, I repeat NOT your waitress's fault that the restaurant is full.  Not her fault that there are only so many pop machines in the place to fill your glasses.  Not her fault that she isn't allowed behind the bar to pour your beer.  So do us all a favor and CALM THE HECK DOWN.  Yes, I do understand that some people just aren't cut out to be waitresses and they might elicit negative feedback and treatment, however this is usually not the case.

Check yourself people.  There are so many things going on behind the scenes of a busy restaurant that have absolutely nothing to do with you, your waitress, or the service you personally are receiving.  So calm down, please.  Be patient.  Be nice.  Treat your waitress how you want them to treat you.  They are after all responsible for your food and if they can tell from the beginning that your sour-puss attitude is probably not going to tip them well, they're going to immediately write you off and focus on the tables that have adequate social skills.  They're not going to waste precious time on a no-money table.

What I'm saying may not be the case for a super high scale, fancy shmancy, fine dining establishment.. but if you're reading my blog I doubt you eat at those anyway.  All I'm saying is if you take anything at all away from this message, be nice to restaurant staff when you go out to eat.  Your food's messed up? Your waitress is not the one who cooked it.  You had to wait 45 minutes for a table in the corner?  Well there was a reason you came to the place, looks like other people had the same idea tonight.  And last but not least...

TIP 20% Y'ALL!  

If that's too much you're cheap then at least double the tax as your tip (about 14%).  But never ever ever in the history of the 21st century has it been appropriate to tip 10% or less.  That's just rude.  And keep in mind that all of the waitresses are going to remember the one's who don't tip.  And they're gonna tell all their little waitress friends too.

Pet Peeves

Tonight at work I was faced with some unfortunately sub-par customers, and it really got me thinking about little thinks that grind my gears.  Everyone has pet peeves, I didn't realize I had so many...  Some of this list are stretching it, but I had to make it an even 10 (see peeve #1).

What are your pet peeves?  Do we share any ticks?  Hopefully if nothing else you'll get a giggle out of mine... I'll warn you, writing out all your least favorite things gets the heart rate going, so make sure you're prepared to unleash them all at one time... here goes:

My Top 10 Pet Peeves:

1. when people leave a ridiculously random change tip so their bill can be even.  I'm not your mom, I'm not impressed by your elementary math skills.  do me a favor and round up.

2. with that being said, bad tippers in general.  if you're leaving less than 15% tips (and you received what you would consider average service) I have this newsflash for you... IT'S 2014!  Tipping 10% or less is just rude, and it's SO frustrating.

3. bikers in the middle of the road.  it's spring, the bikers are out with their spandex suits and their flashy helmets and they literally take up the entire road.  unnecessary.  I can't pass you because what if you tip over and then I hit you?  I can't stay behind you because I can't make my car go without my foot on the gas.  

4. when people don't understand "reply" vs. "reply all" when responding to an email.  not as much of an issue since I'm not in student organizations or classes anymore.. but still annoying.

5. threading bobbins.  I just hate it.  can't figure it out.

6. kathie lee & hoda.  just stop.  it is never appropriate to drink like that in the morning unless it's homecoming, or you're tailgating.  neither of which are kathie lee & hoda doing.

7. talking on the phone in a group of people and expecting me to be quiet.  dude, are you seriously answering the phone right now?  don't shush me.  don't ask me to turn the tv down.  leave!  go somewhere else!  you're the one who decided to answer the phone!

8. when twist off beer caps don't twist off and I skin my fingers trying to open them.  that is false advertising and all I wanted was to enjoy an adult beverage while keeping all 10 fingers in tact.  is that too much to ask?

9. all those wedding shows where the bride is picking out her wedding dress and has an outrageous budget of like 8 grand.  honey, if you have $8,000 to blow on a dress you're literally going to wear one time and then probably trash for one of those "rock the frock" wedding photo shoots, I've got $22,000 in debt you can help pay off that'll go to a more worthy cause.

10. when people tell me my hair is so adorable but they could never go short.  why does it have to be that big of a deal?  do you think before anyone chops 12 inches off their hair they're thinking "like omg my hair is going to look super feminine and gorgeous when it's half an inch long!" also I'm not 13, I'm not going for "adorable" anymore.

TGIF y'all!!  Have a splendid weekend filled with your favorite things!  Peace 'n blessings :)

Life without religion?

I'm very familiar now with the commute from my rental home in Indianapolis to my home church in Plainfield.  It takes about 30 minutes depending on traffic, and I try to bring friends along whenever I can so I'm not belting show tunes by myself.

On this route there is a particular billboard that stands out to me, right before I get on the highway.  It's a picture of a woman's face, and next to it are the words:

"Millions of people are living happily without religion."

Maybe you've seen one like it?

Sponsored by the Center for Inquiry, the billboard is advertising secularism for people who don't have present beliefs or haven't committed to a belief system.

(I had to look up the definition of secularism.. )

This billboard at first made me angry.  The way it ironically bore it's smiling face at me each time I headed to my place of worship.  I just wanted to yell at the lady on the poster and be like, "Yeah well millions of people are living happily WITH religion too, lady!"

And living eternally I might add!

However, now when I pass the propaganda, it makes me giggle because what they are advertising, while it's not "religion", is a place or a group or a system of beliefs for people who don't have one, or who don't want to be "religious."

But isn't that part of the definition of religion?  I mean take out the god or gods you believe in and the rituals and traditions and what have you, and a religion, a church is a group of people who share a set of beliefs who come together for support and for company and for peace of mind.

So, are they advertising:

"living happily without religion" 

or 

"living happily because we don't have to call ourselves religious even though for all intents and purposes we essentially are"

The last thing I want to do is debate secularism vs. christianity or any other religion, but if you think about it this seems like a case of the pot calling the kettle black, doesn't it?

New Year's Revolution

Good evening blogosphere!  And a grand welcome back to.. myself.. as I seemed to have taken a semester long hiatus from doing any writing!  In case you didn't know, I finished my undergrad just a few short weeks ago and am anxiously awaiting the arrival of my diploma in the mail!

Wooooo so let's get down to business!

So I'm currently snuggled under the electric heat blanket in a guest bedroom of my grandparents house in sunny  warm  sub-zero Minnesota.  One of my favorite places to visit growing up, I still get giddy when I get to grandma and grandpa's big, familiar house.  As I've grown up I've been truly blessed to have all of my grandparents (that's 9 to be exact..) around and *relatively close by.

*relatively as in within 10 hours driving distance....

Now though, it's a different kind of fun being with my grandparents because now I actually have to opportunity to get to know them as individual people, and not just fun visitors who usually have presents or cookies for me.  Now, I am interested in talking to them about things I know, learning from and teaching them the ways of our worlds.  This morning afternoon (literally 12:15) once I made it out of bed, the discussion was New Year's resolutions... or as I drowsily named them "revolutions."  We all got a good laugh as I welcomed a cup of coffee and the conversation was dissolved with my brain fart as we retreated to the sun room.

As I lazily hung out today I kept coming back to this "revolution" idea.. and I gotta say, I think I kind of like it!  I mean usually our resolutions are to lose 15 pounds, exercise daily, stop drinking pop, stop drinking period... but it's always kind of got a negative connotation.  Like, "oh I need to start out the new year by punishing myself for the way I ended the last."  But instead today I got to thinking, "I'm going to revolutionize 2014 by implementing something to really radically change the way I live this year."

A mixture of my verbal slip and an article I found at Relevantmagazine.com (an awesome! online magazine for today's believers) called 13 Lessons I learned in 2013 started off with the idea of choosing "One Word" with the idea that instead of coming up with a list of unrealistic goals as a resolution that won't last 5 minutes, to choose one word that you will use to shape everything you do in the coming year.  I'll let you go out and read the article so I don't have to paraphrase it here, it's a really great one!!!

Even though I had already decided on a resolution, I'm going to try to become a vegetarian..., I am going to do this "One Word" thing too.  I've got my list down to two words I'm choosing from, and maybe there's a way for me to whittle them down into one.

My first choice is enough.  This is kind of a broad option, but it's also straight to the point.  I want to recognize how much is enough.  Just to use enough for me and not be gluttonous or excessive in my thoughts and actions.  Try to live as simply as possible and be thankful that all I have is enough.

My second choice is intentional.  This is something I sometimes struggle with.  To be intentional in every single thing I do.  To make realistic goals and intentionally try to achieve them.  To leave no to-do's uncrossed, but to also put a few on my list that will take hard work to accomplish.  To have and to know the reason behind everything I do, every decision I make.

What do you think?  Is a 2014 going to be revolutionary for you?

Happy New Year!

Who really knows?

I feel a big vent coming on.  Actually it's already started.

From a few big disappointments that have hit me the past few weeks I just feel like I keep getting hit while I'm down.   Like that can't catch a break, drowning, screaming with no voice feeling.  Can I get an Amen?

Well, tonight after a truly inspiring viewing of the documentary Half the Sky (only a 40-minute version as the entire program is about 4 hours long) and consecutive discussion with a representative from the Circle of Sisterhood organization it was time for our weekly house bible study.  This week however was the once-per-month "Odyssey" meeting, which is for members of all Greek houses on campus to get in the word together in one place.  When it's Odyssey week we try to go as a group.. anyway the speaker tonight was talking about making decisions.

Now, I will preface this post by saying that I did take away some very interesting and useful information about making a mission statement for my life and prioritizing my values and what not.  However, I have about had it up to my double chin with people condescending my Christianity... and I'm not even talking about non-believers!  This guy started off his talk and naturally had to throw in drinking and sex right off the bat.

Okay, I'm sorry but drinking and sex are not the only 2 things that happen in college and quite honestly I think sitting in a fraternity basement filled with 19-21 year olds and telling them that you can't hang out with your boyfriend with the door closed is gonna do more harm for them than good.  And even though he did share some really insightful stuff about faith-based decision making I think his presentation would have been 100 times better if he had left the sex talk out of it.

I'm not just saying this because it made me feel bad, and I don't like to be reminded of past mistakes or pain or whatever, I'm saying this because I know many of those students probably felt somewhat victimized by the topic of the conversation, when it was supposedly supposed to be about using faith in your long-term life decisions with where you wanted to go in life.

There are a million different ways to live a life for Christ.  I believe that giving your heart, and committing your life to Him is the first step for any Christian, but there is no such thing as a "good" or "bad" Christian.  I believe that it is important to know your convictions, and to align them with scripture and to follow your conscience, but I also believe that this looks different for every person.  For instance, I'll use the door-closed example.

(Please note that I do not have any sort of boyfriend.. so no, Mom, I'm not trying to justify why I want to watch Bridesmaids with the door closed)

Essentially the example the speaker gave was that why is it necessary to hang out with your boy/girlfriend with the door closed?  If nothing "evil" was going on in there then why is it such a big deal to leave it open?  Because if you close it, what is the guy across the hall going to think is going on in there?  And weren't you just sharing your faith with him?  Do your actions match your words?

The whole time he was saying this I felt myself regressing to my teenage years, where yes I did have a boyfriend, and I can see where this is a relevant point to be made to my former self; but you know I don't understand where he got off telling a group of again 20 somethings this in a FRATERNITY BASEMENT.  Dude, I know first hand the kind of crap that goes on down there, like who does he think he's talking to?

Doesn't the fact that 100 Greek students came out at 10:00 on a weeknight maybe show that we are in some way, shape, or form devoted to our faith and/or beliefs?  And we are adults now, or getting there, we (or at least I) have a pretty good grasp on who I am, on my convictions and Jimminy Cricket pitched a tent in my heart a long time ago.  I think that if someone is a Christian, and has a boyfriend or whatever, and wants to hang out with them then let them!  They have their convictions, they know what the Bible says, and if someone is assuming they're doing something they're not quite frankly, who cares!?  In the end if that's not the truth that person just wasted their night judging someone's level of Christianity by the fact that they had someone in their room with the door closed.

I really, truly am not trying to step on anyone's toes by sharing this, but you know I just believe that faith is really perceived in different ways for lots of people, and God is the only one who knows who's right or wrong.  He's the only one who knows EXACTLY every single word, phrase, metaphor in the Bible means.  And do you really think that if He sees in someone's heart that they have committed themselves to Him, and know in their heart and mind what their relationship is with Christ, that He gives a flying rat that they had a beer while watching a football game or wanted to watch a movie with the door closed?

I just don't think so.  And I know that I could be wrong, that I don't know how God thinks or what He thinks.  It really just hurts my heart that people try to say that they do.

Pieces of the people we love

I'm a very emotional person.

I'm a very loving person.

I'm a very fragile person.

These three qualities, mixed into one person, can be diabolical if all activated at the same time.  

I'm emotional because I am a woman, because it's in my blood, and because it's in my heart on my sleeve.  

I'm loving because I come from a large family, because I know I am loved, and because I know what it feels like to love someone unconditionally.  

I am a fragile person because I wear my heart on my sleeve, because I have had my love broken, and because I let the little things get to me.

So what do you do?  Because every single day in this world brings something to your table that could tear it all down.  A death in the family, a failed exam, a poor decision.  How do we go on, day by day? What are we holding on for?

Each day I open my computer as I'm getting ready for class and turn on music.  From KLove to Third Eye Blind Pandora to A cappella, to get me in the mood to face the day.  But before I open my browser, before I check my e-mail I take a second to look at my background photo.  Each and every day since probably last October I have taken a moment to soak in a picture of me, Amy, Abi, Clara, Georgie, and Emily, sitting on a silly statue in Brussels, embarking on the biggest adventure of our lives.  And I miss them, I love them, and I am heartbroken that my trip has ended.. nearly a year ago and it's hard to believe.

Every day I am exposed to so much selfishness, self-pity, and general discontent that it would be so easy for me to just say, "Screw it all, I give up."  As I sit here, feeling sorry for myself, embarrassed for something I said or did or wore, mad because my hair looks silly, yet feeling bad because I know I complain about it too much, I forget about this image that I see every single day.  Of these girls, these international women, who didn't know me from Adam (or Eve) yet trusted me enough to travel internationally with them, spend 1/3 of a year living life to the fullest with me, and now looking back these women mean so much to me.  These women have always meant so much to me, because they have always been in my life, whether I've known it or not.

And that's all it takes, that's what I'm living for.  To send a card to my brothers and cousins even though they're only an hour away.  To think and pray about my friends here and abroad, because we all have impossible schedules, with or without a time difference.  To remember that whether I'm lonely or not, overwhelmed or not, disappointed or not, that what ever is going to happen has already been planned, and whether I'm going to mope around and pout about it, or go out there and try to figure out what it is, it's happening. It's happening.  It happened.

Did you get that Bridesmaids reference?

Well anyway, if it weren't for that background picture, the emojees I've got next to my mom's contact in my phone, or the half-tootless smiles I know are waiting for me back home, I don't know where I'd be.

Just some thoughts, feels good to be writing again.  Thanks for reading, friends.

I just. don't. get it.

As I sit here, "studying" with Allie, my pent up energy finally letting itself out at the most opportune time of 10 o'clock... I feel myself really recognizing this immense impasse that is my relationship status.

It seems like every other picture I see on Instagram is two love-birds, matches made in heaven, so happy, so lucky, so blessed.

#okaywegetit

And you know, as 20-something women, we are told daily by our parents and our friends and our loved ones that we are beautiful, our outfits are "So Cute!", and we are sweet, smart, funny, the list goes on and on.  But what is so frustrating to me, is that how is this so obvious to some people, most people even, yet utterly invisible to the opposite sex.

It's like on one hand you have the "there's someone out there for everyone," and "as soon as you stop looking you'll find what you were looking for."

But then you've got half of your friends in this relationship wonderland with support and happiness and flawlessness (or so they make it seem on social media).  And I'm just like, did I miss the memo?

And then you've got my mom in the middle who oh so kindly likes to remind me that some people never get married, that God's plan for some people is to be single.  Forever.  Just shoot me.

Recently a co-worker asked me what my "type" was.  I had never really thought about it.  I guess I've been self soul searching for a while now and hadn't really even considered what it was I am looking for.  So I answered an honest, simple answer.  A good, Christian boy.

Taken aback, he wasn't sure how to reply right away.  He then suggested, in not so many words, that I should check out Christian Mingle.  Yes, the online dating site.  I kindly reminded him that I am 21 years old and am not that desperate..... yet.... thank you very much.

Hello?!!  How come girls who I hang out with, who are my friends, my peers, my equals are cruising the calm seas in the love boat, while here I am, commanding my kayak in the choppy rapids?

Signed,
Irked in Indianapolis

When people act like they don't know you

Behold my latest vlog..

Centered around the theme of how it makes me feel when people you know you have encountered in one way or another, you see them on a semi-regular basis, and yet they still think it's appropriate to act like they don't know you.  They don't know your name, they don't recognize you (yeah right..), and better yet they don't even say hi.

Momma always told me not to talk to strangers.

I'd love to hear your thoughts, especially if you have specific ties to this topic, or if you think I'm out of line.. but I can't promise I'll know you from now on if that's the case...

iWorkout

None of us are strangers to this recent spandex uniform workout wardrobe obsession that seems to have taken the world by storm.  Ladies decked out to the nines in clothes bearing flashy little symbols showing where they were purchased (and likely how much they cost).  This is how it makes me feel to be swimming in a sea of spandex.

My Bed

So I pulled out my journal from Creative Writing last night and wrote for the first time since school's been out.. outside of blogging.. to try and start organizing my thoughts and hopefully clearing some of them out.  Tonight I did the same and as I started to write I gave myself a challenge to keep the same topic for an entire page.  I managed to accomplish this task, however when I got to the end of the page, I realized my entire exposition was an incredible analogy that was pulled out of my brain and put in front of my face at the exact moment that I needed a sign.

I'm going to share what I wrote, and then reflect on the power within what I thought might have only turned into a half ass-ed haiku.

My bed is like a palace.  It's my solstice and solitude.  It is so comfortable with soft sheets, 10 pillows, my baby friends, & the warm light of my step-mother's hand-me-down lamp, which brings out just the perfect shades in my TJ Maxx, almost too bright quilt.

It's extravagant, yet delicate and perfect.  I love to have all the space in my bed to myself.  I can line my pillows up on either side & be protected from the dark unknown, safe in the Land of Nod.

Even when I'm just sitting for a minute, I sit and am nearly immediately rejuvenated by the power of its comfort.  It lures me into its realm each night, and releases me each morning with the promise of just a short goodbye until it's time again for bed.  On those nights when I don't return, I yearn for the warm, safe embrace of my space, & when I do return, I am welcomed with open arms & I am always welcome like I had never even left.

So, what do you think?

Once I got to the part about the nights I miss my bed, and yearn for it's safety and comfort I realized this page is about God.  Okay, minus the 10 pillows and rainbow Cynthia Rowley quilt...

But for real, the past few days I have just been stewing in self pity and ashamedness for my distance from God.  I haven't been praying like I should be, or being the woman He made me to be.  Then all of a sudden, just like He will do, the Holy Spirit pulled these intimate thoughts about my full size mattress out of my head and into my journal where I read them to find that these are all qualities of my God, and that no matter how far I feel I have fallen, or no matter how many nights I have yearned for my Temperpedic pillow and 10-year-old Rabbie, I get brought right back to the reality that I had never really left.

Almost like the Parable of the Prodigal Son, which I heard again recently.  Like the Son, I have been sitting on the outskirts of my faith, thinking that if nothing else, maybe God will let me ride on the coattails of his miracles, not being a part of them, but still allowed to follow Him.  But also like the Son, I realize (though I have been told all along) that God wants to take us back and more when we come home to Him.  He doesn't want us slopping with the slaves, but instead, at His right-hand, safe, warm, and welcome.

I realize this sounds cliche, but I was so simply awestruck by the realization of this analogy that I had to share it.  They say the Holy Spirit is within us, and I have been a witness to this tonight, such a freeing feeling on this warm Tuesday night.

Goodnight, friends.

Sometimes we run

Well, we made it back safe and sound from Costa Rica with some incredible memories and unbelievable stories to last a lifetime.  Upon return I decided to spend a semi-relaxing week at home with my family before making the final move back to Butler for what will hopefully be my last semester of undergrad!  Our senior house is coming together piece by piece, and unfortunately the couch cushion pieces don't fit yet...  My list of necessities grows by the minute as I am learning how much it takes to fill a six bedroom house.

After a month long separation, I finally got to spend time with Emily on Saturday night, and we went to church at Common Ground on Sunday which for me was the first time in too long.  We all know how easy it is when you skip church one Sunday to make a little habit out of it, and especially after a 3-week hiatus in Central America, getting out of bed Sunday morning was difficult.

The worship Sunday morning was incredible.  That's one of my favorite things about Common Ground is the 15-20 high-energy worship session that starts off the service.  The current pastor isn't my favorite from Common Ground, but usually I still am able to take something meaningful away from his sermons.

Yesterday, Jeff spoke about a passage in Acts, and the idea of living to serve not to be served.  He stressed the importance of carrying out our actions without expecting something in return, and about how important it is to make your spiritual needs known because there is probably someone out there whose needs complement your own.

I've experienced the power of prayer before, specifically while I was living in The Netherlands, but as you know this is such an intriguing concept for me.  However, once you personally feel the power of prayer you can no longer deny the grace and power of God.  These past few weeks I just feel myself running in the wrong direction, but constantly being reminded that no matter how hard I resist, Jesus still has my heart on a leash.  Last night as I tossed and turned in my bed, preoccupied about jobs and money among other things I knew what I needed to do was pray, but I found myself unable to put words and thoughts together.  It was almost as if I felt that I didn't deserve to be praying for myself, and I just have been so distant and inconsistent in my conversations with God lately that I just couldn't pray, and that scares me.

So, I'm asking you to help me.  If you're reading this, I'm desperate for prayer and I also want to pray for you.  I need to see if I can help someone else, because I'm finding it impossible to help myself.  Please don't hesitate to reach out to me if you've something impending on your heart, because I love to listen and I want to pray for you!

Peace & blessings :)